5 For Hope

Court Date #4

For those of you keeping score at home, we are closing in on our case's 4th court date.  Tomorrow, the girls and I will be home to receive the call of whether or not M3 is officially joining our family. 

I'm glad tomorrow is a holiday because it's throwing off my body's usual Sunday schedule.  I'm not sure what day it is and, because we've never had a Monday court date, I almost do keep forgetting that tomorrow is THE day...again.

I don't have time to completely fall apart and go to bed with a headache and body ache again like I did last time--too much grading and other things.  I can't start off the week having my body make me sick again.

So, we're going to try and hold it together and pretend like it doesn't devastate us to our very core if we don't pass again tomorrow. 

No. We Didn't Pass. Again.

I apologize for anyone who read this blog who isn't connected to us in some other fashion (e-mail, Facebook) because it's quite possible you might have thought, "Wow!  I bet they are whooping it up and celebrating adding M3 to the family!"

Nope.

ANOTHER delay.

Supposedly, the judge has asked for additional time to review the paperwork in the file (?!?!).

I use the word "supposedly" not because I doubt the sincerity of the person telling me this, but because I am an attorney.  I have a very low tolerance for a lack of actual knowledge.  Unless I see it with my own eyes, then I don't actually know.  At this point, I'm spent.

Once we received that news on Tuesday, I literally just fell apart.  I thought I was coming down with some horrendous, fast moving virus.  I felt horrendous.  I came home from work and from picking the kids up and put myself to bed.  I could not even get up to take my oldest to her new dance class.  I thought for sure I was super duper sick.

Nope.

I honestly think my nerves got the better of me (again) as this is not the first time this has happened to me and I recall most of these matters surround either particularly stressful deployment or adoption moments.

We are rescheduled AGAIN for this Monday, January 18th.  For those keeping score at home, this is go 'round number FOUR.  At least we didn't have to wait an entire month to be heard again.

Please pray.  M3 needs us.  I know this.  ACTUALLY know this.  So, please.  Pray that this is it.  Finally.

One More Week

Seven days once again separates us and the possibility of officially adding M3 to our family.  This wait has been agonizing for us and it is only compounded by wondering what she must be thinking and feeling--knowing she supposedly has a family coming to pick her up and not having seen those people among all the others who have come and gone, welcoming her friends into forever families.

People have said, "Wow...is it like waiting for your child to be born?"

Not at all.

When you are pregnant and nearing your due date, you know that one way or the other, that child is coming into the world and into your arms within a pretty set number of days.  You may wait a week or two on either side of when the child is expected, but your doctor is not going to tell you a due date of November, then December, then maybe January.  If a doctor did that, you'd find a new doctor.  It seems even Doctor Baker on Little House on the Prairie could be more accurate than that.

The only thing in my experience that I have to compare this to is waiting to conceive M1.  Nearly two years went by with doctors telling me there was no earthly reason they could see why we weren't having success.  Later we learned why, fixed it with some medication, and voila!  A baby.

However, in those long months of trying, it felt very much like this.  You worked very diligently doing all the right things and then waited for a day on your calendar each month.  And, there would be a test.  You would look at the results of that test and just as quickly as the phone call telling you, "Not this month", you could see you were yet again unsuccessful in your bid to add a child to your family.

No matter how many times that stupid little test only had one line, no matter how much I steeled myself against the disappointment, there remained that glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe THIS would be our month.

This, however, is much more excruciating to me.  There IS already a child.  A fully aware, very alert six-year-old child who knows about us.  She has seen our faces and received little trinkets from us, all with the promise of 'soon.' 

Still, she waits.

We all wait.

I would be lying if I said I'm just certain all the stars will align on the 12th and I'm confident our prayers will be answered.  I'd also be lying if I said just like that girl who used to buy her pregnancy tests in a two-pack (just to be certain of the result), I cannot turn my back on that glimmer of hope.  That THIS month is our month.  Please let it be so.

End of the Line

The second time was decidedly not a charm.  And, I'm not feeling very understanding or warm and fuzzy about it.  I know by now I should be better at this, but I am not.  The carefully crafted facade of someone with a great deal of understanding and unwavering faith that things happen for a reason becomes a little more cracked every time we are placed at the back of the line.

We find ourselves there once again.

Our case will not be reheard until January 12th.  That's over three weeks from now.  Twenty-four days to be exact.

M3's mother came to court.  She did what she needed to do to effectuate the adoption.  For that, we are extremely thankful.  I have thought about what those moments must have been like for her and I wish I had been somewhere around to just to tell her something, anything to make her feel less like she must have felt.  There are no adequate words, however, and so it is likely best that meeting will wait for another day.

Unfortunately, the governmental agency responsible for our last delay (the representative took a holiday to celebrate the Universal Day of the Child) also cost us yesterday.  The agency has to produce a letter of approval for the adoption to be finalized and for the case to 'pass court.'  The agency has apparently not written any such letter for any adoption agency for the past three days.  By my calculation, it is quite impossible for the agency to provide any type of result for more than 3 or 4 weeks at a clip.  Unfortunately for us, we are caught in the cycle of being before the court when this agency's wheels inevitably come off.  This cycle is maddening and disheartening and infuriating.  JUST DO IT ALREADY I want to scream.  And have.  But there is no one listening.

We also found out that my husband will be home from his deployment earlier than expected.  It is quite possible that I will have to wave to him over the Atlantic as he comes home and I head to Africa.  It is incomprehensible to me that we have another month to even have a chance at seeing this thing come to an end.

I so pictured this week differently.  I wanted to be able to share M3's photo with all our families and friends in our Christmas cards and include our good news in our update letter.  Now, I don't even want to send anything.  Too much work and for what?  An incomplete photo of our family?  No thanks.

I just can't even talk about this anymore.  Like we don't have enough missing this Christmas that we also have to deal with this garbage.

Here's to yet ANOTHER month of standing at the back of the line.

Second Time's a Charm?

Let's hope so.

I'd rather not have to wait for a third (or fourth!) court date to be able to call M3 our official new family member.  Little does the Ethiopian government know that the minute I saw her little face on that photo waiting list, she was our daughter.  I knew that even if she didn't come to live with us, I would need to know that she was okay.  There was just something about that little girl that said, "You won't forget this face."

Tomorrow this time I'll be constantly checking my cell phone to make sure it's on, turned up, battery charged, etc.  It will be an entire choreographed dance of caring, pretending not to care, freaking out, pretending to be calm.  I just remember what it was like the first go 'round and how even though I knew it might be a 'first' rather than 'only' court date, I was still a sobbing mess when I hung up with our agency after learning we'd have to wait an entire month to give it another go.

It is a very strange feeling I have today.  I know I'm nervous because my stomach has been upset, but it isn't something I'm consciously fretting over--it's all going on in the background.

The girls have already decided we should all go to bed early tonight--they selected 7:30 p.m.  We will see how closely we hit that mark, but I think if I can fall asleep, that's a good way to chip away at the hours between now and then.

We currently have friends on their way to Ethiopia to pick up their infant twin boys.  They took a doll with them from us.  They plan to deliver it to M3 for us and try to convey to her that her family is so close to coming and that it won't be long.  I want them to be able to say that with real confidence.

Thank you for sticking with us on the journey.  I hope I can reward your patience with some absolutely awesome news tomorrow!

Come Over For Coffee

We've said it before:  Ethiopia is the birthplace of not only M3, but also coffee.  I stumbled onto a way to introduce you to some fabulous fair trade coffees while assisting 5 for Hope in reaching its long-term goals. 

The gift giving season is here and if you are looking for a gift for yourself or you wish to brighten up the palates of visitors over the holidays, consider stopping in to the 5 for Hope Coffeehouse and placing an order.  Although it appears you have to join a coffee club on the landing page, you don't.  Simply go to the sidebar menu list on the left and click around to see all the items Just Love Coffee offers for your purchase.  If you place an order through our personal family page at Just Love Coffee, not only will you receive some of the best coffee on the planet, you will be helping us with our financial adoption goals.

Once you try this coffee, you will want to re-order, so be sure to bookmark our family's page or click on this symbol in our left sidebar to return to our Coffeehouse anytime.

We look forward to hearing your reviews and reports on your coffee!  Once you place your order, the coffee ships the following day via USPS and will arrive at your home in 3-4 days! 

Plenty of time to place your order for Christmas gatherings, gift exchanges, hostess gifts, teacher gifts or even to stash in the pantry for those folks who bring you a gift but for whom you had not planned on buying a gift.  Just slap a bow on it and you're golden!  And, if no one brings you an unexpected gift, Merry Christmas to YOU...you can enjoy it yourself!

T-Minus 10 and Counting

We are now 10 days from our rescheduled court date.  Maybe it's because the last week or two have been rough schedule wise that I feel a little less than optimistic about this upcoming hearing.  I just keep praying that things will happen when they are supposed to and try not to add the caveat that this would be a really good time for things to happen.

On Saturday, we received a DVD with footage of M3 on it.  I'm never sure what to expect when I receive one of those DVDs.  Sometimes, it's several segments and lots of footage.  Other times, just a snippet.

This time, it was just a snippet.

M3 did not look like herself.  She looked tinier than she did in the most recent photos I have of her.  Her eyes did not have that familiar snap and her smile wasn't as bright.  The only welcome change in her appearance was her hair--growing in finally and my mind raced with all the cute styles we can try.

It broke my heart to see her looking so unlike the little spitfire I've seen in previous photos and videos.

Please, God, let the 18th come and let this be it for our family.  We want M3 home!

Hey, Buddy. May I Borrow A Rope?

I feel as if I am in need of a rope to pull myself from this huge hole in which I find myself.  The past few weeks have been very tiring.  The time change always leads to craziness in my life for some unknown reason.  It becomes dark too early and my sleep cycle has been wacky.  Add to that girls that bicker entirely too much and listen entirely too little as well as some unexpected expenses this week and I'm spent.

We also received an e-mail from our adoption agency caseworker letting us know that the Embassy in Ethiopia has requested an amendment to our homestudy.  When this all began, we were under the impression that M3 was 3 or 4.  By the time we submitted our paperwork to the court, we estimated her age to be 4 or 5.  However, when her referral paperwork came through, the birth date shown made her solidly 6.  Never mind that the doctor at the International Adoption Clinic thinks not and that we will likely amend her birthday if the tests show, as the doctor suspects, that she is younger.  Her paperwork says she is 6.

Our homestudy says we are approved to adopt a girl between the ages of 4 and 6.

Apparently, once you turn 6, you are as good as 7 in paperwork world.  She is now, technically, too old for our homestudy approval range. 

This means our social worker has to write an amendment to the homestudy report.

I have to write a statement as to why this amendment is necessary.  (Uh, because no one has any clue how old anyone is and this is TAKING SO LONG!!!!!)

Then, all this has to be submitted with a form to our USCIS field office in Cincinnati.

I am to the point where I am over the deployment.  Seriously over it.

Things like this really become burrs under my saddle when I am where I am mentally with other things.  In this case, deployment has made my nerves very raw and the rollercoaster that is international adoption is way less thrilling and more nauseating than I'm prepared for at the moment.

I want to just be waiting.

Not amending and freaking out and having kiniption fits over paperwork and signatures and seals.  And worrying about whether or not I will have all I need when I get where I'm going.  Talk about horses before carts as I need to GET where I'm going first and I'm having no luck with that either.

Our second court date is still December 18th.

I have already determined that this amendment activity will be completed this week.  If I have to call the social worker three times a day, that packet will be complete and on its way to Cincinnati by week's end. 

I'm just exhausted and thinking of my girl sitting there one more minute breaks my heart.

Ugh.

No Good News Today

We heard from our agency about a half hour ago.  Our case was not even heard today and it has been postponed until December 18th.

Apparently, the U.N. has named today Universal Children's Day and one employee integral to our process observed this day by taking the day off work.  Without that person there, our case (and all the others) could not be heard.

So, we wait.

I cannot stop thinking about M3 going about her day, probably having no idea that today was even supposed to be her day in court.  I also have no clue if our agency's representatives heard about this delay in time to prevent a wasted trip by M3's biological mother.  And, I know that somewhere in her little heart M3 has to be wondering if someone was pulling her leg when they told her that she had a family with a Dad and Mom and two sisters who couldn't wait to come take her to America.

Another month.

A Little Surreal

By the end of this week, there is the very real possibility that I will be the mother of three little girls.  And, even though I've had a little more than the usual 'gestation' period to become used to the idea, it still feels very surreal.  I also think about the fact that this new daughter will come with five years of experiences that even I, as an adult, cannot fathom.  She is a survivor with skills and attributes that my current children, Lord willing, would never have the need to know.  We have a lot to learn from each other.

I'm not sure if other very-close-to-becoming-adoptive parents have similar feelings in the days directly before their court dates because I have had similar feelings right before giving birth.  It is almost like the excitement, joy, anticipation, fear, and anxiety hit a peak level and a breaker switches me to something else.  I'm the same woman who, when her first daughter was overdue by doctor's estimates, still did not pack a bag for the hospital.  My mother-in-law did it right before we left for the maternity ward.  Although I did pack a bag for the second daughter, I was fully prepared to go home and sleep in my own bed when an induction failed to bring about labor and I was emotionally spent.  It seemed perfectly logical to me that if M2 had been able to resist the slings and arrows of pitocin and cervadil, she would be able to handle a trip home for a good night's sleep.  No one else agreed, however, and M2 arrived the next afternoon after receiving an eviction notice in the form of a broken bag of waters.

I have thought about this day and had very vivid dreams about all facets of this process.  From paperwork to travel to the moment of meeting her to even her first day of school, her seeing her new dad for the first time and even her first boyfriend.  It's insane, I know, but it's been happening.

I have watched her DVDs hundreds of times, listened to her voice, memorized her smile, and watched video upon instructional video about hair care and hairstyles.  It has become my full-time, part-time job.  And, it's a job I love, but one in which I constantly assess and reassess whether or not I'm up to the challenge.

And, just like when those first pains of labor started with both my current kids, I realize--the time for wondering whether I'm up for the challenge has long passed.  Now it's about embracing the challenge, enjoying it and learning how to be the best mom to this child that I can be.  It's going to be a delicate dance as she has a mother in this world already.  A woman to whom I owe so much and to whom I will never be able to fully convey my gratitude. 

I take the job of raising her child very seriously.  So seriously that I will make her my own and give her everything in my heart that I give my biological kids.  And, so seriously, that I will do all that with the knowledge and realization that she has a mother in this world who loves her so much that she was willing to trust enough to let her child go...trusting that someone like me would be there to take her home.