5 For Hope

You Should Not Have Said The Word "Impossible"

Some of you reading this blog may only "know" me through the blog and perhaps only since the blog started.  Others of you may have met me long before our adoption journey began and have followed all the steps that have carried us to this spot. 

One thing you may have gathered is that I'm not the most flexible of individuals and I am, in fact, quite stubborn.  I don't deal well with change.  I'm not a fan of the unknown.  The word "If" is far less preferred in my vocab than the words "When" or "Is."  I'm just not a fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants kind of chickie. 

The surefire way to have me dig in my heels, however, is for you to tell me something is out of my hands.  To agree with me that I cannot do something.  To stroke my bruised ego and tell me that lesser people would have fled long ago and that anytime I want to wave my surrender flag, you'll be there to take all my efforts, hard work, and due diligence and hand them off to someone else.  Tell me that there are no answers.  No way to figure this out. 

No hope.

First Thanksgiving and November Update

November has been an extremely busy month.

We'll start with the stuff most important to M3--we took a week off from hairstyling, then re-did our finger coils, then took another week to rest our tresses.  Tonight, I used some ouchless hairbands to section her hair and realized she finally had enough hair to do the puffs she's given positive comments to when she sees them on other girls. 

So, I set about putting puffs in M3's hair and they turned out super cute.  Her hair isn't quite long enough to do two, big ponytail puffs in the back, so I sectioned her hair and put in puffs much like bantu knots or box braids would be positioned.

I wasn't sure what she'd think, but they were so easy to put in, I figured they would be easy enough to take out if she vetoed the hairstyle.  You never know--she hasn't vetoed one yet, but she did tell me she didn't want the finger coils this time. 

So much for Mom's decision to make that her signature style. 

I'm sure if she could hear all the positive comments people gave when they saw her photo with the style in, she'd relent and want that style more often than not.  But, today, she was not interested in what I considered the best work I've done so far.  This style, though, is a definite contender because it was super easy, very quick and she loved it.

The One With A Twist

We gave M3's hair a break last week and tried many of the new headbands that I've been collecting for awhile.

I found some great sellers on etsy.com and one had headbands and the super sweet turtle clip that is on the side of M3's head in this photo (but you can't quite see).  Not sure if we'll wear it to school tomorrow, but it's definitely something we could put in for church or somewhere else that Mom can keep an eye on it and retrieve it should it jump ship.

Today, I knew we should do something, but I'm still a little faint of heart after our second attempt at flat twists did not go as smoothly as the first.  I had seen coils in natural hair in kids and adults alike and wondered how hard it would be to do.  I had read that you could do them with a comb, but you could also do tem with your fingers.

Sounds intricate, I thought.

Then, I watched some tutorial videos on YouTube and thought, "Hm.  I've actually done that to M3's hair before and not really on purpose, so maybe I could give it a whirl and see how it goes."

It went swimmingly.  Took barely any time and I could literally do a coil with each hand when I started moving along the process. 

M3 was happy enough to sit and later stand (so I could reach the very back at the bottom) while munching on Cheez-Its and watching Noggin. 

She likes to lean on me and hug me a lot while we're doing her hair so it can be a little interesting trying to hold on to sections while she is twisting around in her seat without warning.

I'm hopeful that the new sleep cap we bought her will keep her coils from completely coming undone overnight.  We'll see. 

While it's super simple to do, I don't really think I'd have the time in the morning to redo a whole head's worth.  But, I could probably figure out a way to resurrect certain areas without her missing the school bus.

I even showed my husband how to do it so that if he wants to take over hair styling duty while I'm out of town next weekend, he can.  I'm betting he'll ask me to re-do this style the night before I leave town if it lasts through tonight's slumber.

In other news, we had our six-month post-placement meeting with our social worker yesterday.  We were very honest with her and she has alread provided us with the names and numbers of three families who have adopted internationally more than once and who are thriving after doing so.  We definitely don't fall in that category, but we are looking to build a support network of adoptive families and it would be great if those families were local like these ones are.  She is also looking into other services for us, like respite care, so that we can try to break the cycle we're currently experiencing.  That would be amazing.

We are also in contact with our International Adoption Clinic's staff to schedule the "I've been here for six months" appointment.  It will likely be in the middle of November as will parent-teacher conferences.  I'm already working on an ulcer for both appointments, thank you very much.  But, I'm also looking forward to seeing the psychologist at the adoption clinic and seeing what kinds of things weekly appointments might be able to help M3 with--we know everything takes time, but the sooner we start, the sooner we may turn our first corner.

I can't believe in a couple days it will be seven months since we returned from Ethiopia.  The time has flown and dragged all at once.  Still looking forward to a time when things are a little more even keeled and the roles of a 'normal' family are comfortable ones for all of us to be in once again.  I really hope that the services we are looking to take advantage of will break this perpetual chain of frustration and angst on all our parts.  It would be a huge relief.

 

The Six Month Milestone

On the one hand, I wish I'd have written this post when we actually hit the six-month milestone.  On the other, I'm glad I didn't because it would be sitting here mocking me and any reader who happened upon it.  We reached our six month home mark on October 2.  So, it's just been six months and change, but as we've learned over the past few months, a week or two can make a huge difference.

I'm not sure how other parents feel about their adoption experiences.  I know what I read on their websites, but I also am becoming more adept at reading between the lines, so I don't always buy the rosy-glassed vision on the surface.  I do know that nearly every book I read or expert we talked to said that doing any type of assessment or evaluation on how you're doing prior to the six-month mark is an exercise in futility.  Fair enough.  I'm an assessor/evaluator/obsessive-compulsive/always measuring train wreck of an individual, though.  So any time I freaked out about anything in my new role as "Mom to an older internationally adopted child", I would calm myself slightly by saying, "It's only been x months.  Relax.  No need to freak until after the six-month mark."

But, truth be told, some moms I know more personally than those books' authors and adoption experts say it's been a year or more for them and it's still not all that noticeably different.  I suppose I could push my estimates out to the spring and fend off my feelings of wondering what in the world we're doing most days and dreading, even on the good days, that the other shoe is going to drop and we're going to be entertaining more worries, concerns and frustrations in the coming days.

To me, it was like we were handed a map six months ago.  We're familiar with maps.  We had studied about this map, taken classes about what the map would be like and prepared for our journey with the map as best we could.  We felt pretty confident that our previous experiences with maps would keep us from becoming completely and totally lost.

We were wrong.

We received a map and although it seemed strangely familiar, it really isn't at all.  So, we set out.  Trudging uphill, on ice, and we'd reach the crest of the hill only to slide to the bottom and have to start again.  Sometimes we slid so far we were "dropped for a loss" and had an even longer haul than we'd had when we originally started.  And, there has been more than once when we were walking down the street, thinking we knew exactly where we were going...feeling like we were accomplished travelers...only to realize we'd been lured into a not-so-safe part of town. 

The past three days have been like this map scenario for me.  For so much of this journey, it's two steps forward, six steps back and you know it when it's happening.  But, every so often, the smooth stretch lasts long enough that you start to release your white-knuckled hold on every single aspect of every single thing that goes on inside and outside your house.  And no matter how many times you tell yourself you won't, you do.  You start to become optimistic...like, hey...I think we've turned a corner.  NOT that the journey is complete and you can fold that map and put it in the scrapbook and look at it as a fond memory, but that you're done traveling down that street and you can head to a different part of the map.

I really thought we'd retired certain stops on the street we've been trudging up and sliding down since we arrived home in April.  I thought, perhaps, we'd reached a point where the most evident indicators that M3 is testing us and our attachment would be retired for new or more subtle behavior.  Over the past three days, though, we've hit all the landmarks on that street that I'd rather just not visit anymore.

Been there.  Done that.  Bought the t-shirt.  Sent the postcard. 

But, here we are again.  And, like the rubberband snapping back, we're at Square Zero in many important ways.  What I wouldn't give to land in Square Three or even Square Two.  Heck,  Square One is attractive some days.  But, nope.  Square Zero has a well-worn spot waiting for our bottoms to land and hard.

And, I find myself forcing a smile, faking optimism and praying when I go to bed that I'll wake up ready to truly take on the challenge of what has popped up again rather than wishing to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head until...well, until further notice.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is for those who are grappling with reaching the 6-month milestone--it isn't such a milestone after all.  It's simply another month in a lifelong journey you decided to take.  I suppose it's a good thing that I don't have to refold my stupid map all the time given that I stink at that.  Might as well just leave it open because we're going to be on these same, familiar streets for a long time, I bet.

Maybe the 9-month mark will be better and we'll have less time on this street I've grown so tired of and we'll have moved into a sunnier neighborhood on our map.  Until then, we'll just have to keep our heads down and our feet moving forward--because that's what you do.

More Hair Fun

Not satisfied with our foray into pony beads and snaps, the resident hair stylist of Fort W. decided to try her hand at something else.  This hair style comes about a week or two later than we would have liked, but an unfortunate injury to a left index finger caused by an errant filing cabinet drawer made the idea of holding, twisting and banding hair a less than appealing prospect.

Beads, Braids and Bad Back

Last night, we gave hairstyling a try.  M3 has natural hair.  That's the way it will be until she is old enough to make a truly informed decision about what she would like to do with her hair.  We have taken careful care of her hair--lots of moisture, one non-sulfate shampoo a week, you know the drill. 

Her hair has grown a lot since she has been home, but it has never been quite long enough to to do a 'do.  I've been checking on a semi-regular basis, though, and much like the ear piercing begging that took place daily until it happened, I had begun to grow weary of the, "Mommy?  You make uh my hair pretty when it get big?"

So, I slowly acquired my arsenal of hair styling supplies as suggested in the numerous informative posts at my favorite hair blog.  Everything from a rat tail comb to clips to beads to styling cream to non-metal elastics.  And, even though I was fairly confident M3 had enough hair to do something, I did not anticipate a couple of things when we began.

The Stuff Keeping Us Busy

While I continue to run around, working more jobs than I have hands and keeping everyone and everything headed in the right direction, M3 has been busy in her own right.

First on the list of things keeping us busy?  Loose teeth.  Yep.  We just seem to be having a clearance on baby teeth in this house.  Between M2 and M3, we have quite a contest going. 

Many people we have run into have provided the unsolicited opinion that this means M3 is definitely older than five and we should rethink our plan to have her paperwork modified next month when we go through the readoption process.  I usually just bite my tongue because I've grown so tired of explaining and reexplaining to people that things like teeth falling out or even early puberty are not unheard of things for kids with early childhoods like M3's.  Go from limited nutrition to all kinds of nutrition, multi-vitamins, clean water, etc. and your body will kick into overdrive in certain areas of development.  Losing teeth "early" is quite normal and is not a cause for alarm.  Nor is her unbridled hair growth which amazes me more than the loose teeth.  M3 will likely loose her other front top tooth within the next week or so.  M2 just lost a lower tooth last night, so they are tag teaming each other with the tooth pulling, it seems.  The poor Tooth Fairy should probably just put us on her flight plan for the foreseeable future.

One Week Down

It's my understanding that this has pretty much been the scene each and every day that the bus delivers a certain someone home from kindergarten.

Sometimes, the arms are outstretched like an airplane, but other than that, M3 pretty much runs herself right on into the house full of stories from her day and ready for a huge drink of water and a snack.

Because her first day of school was last Wednesday, M3 successfully navigated her first week of school as of today.  This is her first five-day week so we'll see whether fatigue sets in at any point.  She does, on occasion of bedtime, question whether or not she has to return to school the next day or if it is a 'stay home' day.  I can't quite make out if she's excited that she has to go back or if she'd rather just tell me, "Oh, that's okay, Mom.  I think I have this school thing down now."

M3's class uses the behavior modification method geared around the traffic lights.  Every kid starts the day on green, but can move to yellow if a repeated behavior isn't squelched.  I'm sure, too, that a child could go straight to red if the violation warranted it, but for the most part, it seems like the move would be gradual.

M3's teacher had only planned to send home the colored-in behavior chart at the end of the week.  We became "those parents" by requesting that we have daily notification.  We offered to supply whatever she needed to make that happen.  She offered to color in the days of a calendar each afternoon if we could print one off and send it to school.  When M3 earned her first "yellow" Friday, it became painfully apparent how necessary the daily notification with an explanation would be.  M3 either did not understand or did not want to relate to us how she earned her yellow card.  Students must color their behavior chart with the corresponding color and they also must turn their own clip from green to yellow.  However, M3 insisted she was on "green all day."  And, although she related a half dozen stories of incidents which may or may not have elicited a negative response from her teacher, NONE of them related to the actual behavior that resulted in the yellow card.  So frustrating.  Because when we learned what had happened (M3 and her class were sitting on the carpet for story time and her teacher repeatedly had to ask M3 to stop talking to her neighbors and interrupting the story), we realized that this would have been a very public and very noticeable happening in a person's day.  But, when reminded of this and the consequence, M3 acted as if this were all news to her and that, indeed, she ended up on yellow, but still not for any identifiable reason on M3's part.

We're also noticing a return of some food issues that we thought we'd weeded out our first months home.  I had not readily anticipated how cafeteria eating situation may remind M3 of other times when she ate with lots of other children.  We've had a resurgence of eating entirely too quickly and stuffing an inordinate amount of food into our face at the dinner table.  We've had to revert to early reminders and work to avoid choking and other not-so-appetizing scenes at our dinner table.

On the plus side, M3 was able to recount at least the main characters in a story her teacher read her yesterday.  She also has a better understanding of the sounds made by the letters "T" and "L."  She's practicing writing numbers and knows more classmates' names each day.  We've noticed what the psychologist told us to expect, however, and that is that until M3's development catches up cognitively, she will occasionally appear to need to forget some things to remember and use others.  Rote things like days of the week are sometimes just out of reach for her to recite.  We're working on it.

School will be a learning experience for all of us and in so many different ways than it ever was before now.  It's so hard for me to imagine her, in another year or even two, doing the things I see current 1st graders doing.  We just keep working toward our goals and are continually amazed at what she is learning.

We are nearing the magic window where I will begin to grow nervous, however.  The two-week mark will likely spark the "I'm comfortable and know what's going on" feelings in M3.  This may very well lead to the boundary pushing we would rather avoid.  I'm hopeful her teacher will be willing to work with us and use us as a resource to help keep M3 in line and moving forward.

And So It Begins.

A full recap on the day's events to come, but for now, here's our little kindergarten girl headed into school for her first day.

This dress was a 2nd choice.  The first choice of dress ended up being too big/long in the straps which resulted in a potentially embarrassing show of too much skin.  Ahem.  We are NOT going for that look.  EVER.

So, a quick trip through the closet and Mom pulled out this number and it was deemed acceptable.

Shorts underneath to allow for all the playground shenanigans that are sure to ensue on a first day of school's recess adventures.

Breakfast out with Mom and Dad and a new friend and his Mom and Dad and she was set.

Let her make the choice of when she was ready to enter the school's gym and go wait for her teacher below her teacher's color coded symbol.  She was the first kid to enter the gym on her own...that's my girl!

More exciting updates to come.  We'll recap the first day soon.

I also think Daddy has a pretty telling photo of her exiting the bus after her first day, so be sure to check back soon!

Give Me A "K"

I do remember promising with the last update that I would do better than a once-a-month post.  If you will look at your calendar, you will find that I am one day ahead of the month deadline and, if I post 1st Day of School photos this week, I will be well on my way to breaking this abysmal blogging drought.

In the past month, some things have remained frustratingly the same while others unraveled at the seams and had to be patched or refashioned into something completely different.

Join me after the jump for this month's Fort W. news.