5 For Hope

Glutton for Punishment

Yes, I said I was ready to give up, but the operative word was almost.

I had a huge come apart Friday night.  It was a long time in coming, frankly, given the unending and every mounting pressure of the bar exam result release looming over me.  At this point, I will be much more surprised to pass than fail, but it won't stop bitter disappointment, I'm sure.

At any rate, I ran the numbers and then yesterday, I e-mailed the agency's representative who reviews prospective parents' files (she said if I had questions to do so) to ask her how they advise clients in estimating the value of their personal property.  I want to have a more realistic picture of what we are financially dealing with so I can keep running tabs on our money and, when we hit the magic number, we can be ready to go.

It could take awhile, but with my husband deploying, things were bound to become hincky anyway.

Reason 2,315 Why Law School Was Not My Best Idea Ever...

Law School.

What possessed me?

I suppose it was something I'd always wanted to do.  When my husband was deployed earlier in our marriage, it seemed like something that was more do-able.  Even when the rug was pulled out from beneath me financially when my department chair was replaced by someone who wanted my job and, subsequently, took my job, it still seemed okay. 

I literally put the "God's will" tag on it.  Took the LSAT--God's will.  Did well and was accepted to school.  Earned scholarships.  Did well in school.  Wrote-on to law review.  Clerked for a federal judge.  Graduated in the top 20% of my class.  And, here I sit, five months after graduation and two months after the bar exam with no job.  Talk about a negative return on investment.

As if all the effort, time, etc. weren't bad enough, now the debt I'm carrying because of law school (and my lack of a job) could seriously jeopardize our plans to adopt from China.  As that is my husband's international program of choice, I've been crunching numbers to see what we can do.

We have the $50k in income fine, even with just his salary.  The $80k in assets, however, is more difficult a reach.  I'm sure if we add up all our personal property, we might be closer, but with only his income and my monstrous school debt (which, P.S., is a full 2/3 less than most people I went to school with thanks to scholarships), hitting $80,000 will be a STRETCH.

My husband had already been hem-hawing around regarding the adoption before now.  I think he likes the idea of trying for an R&R baby, but you know, I probably would to if it only required about a minute of my time.  But, it doesn't.  It requires me to take on a physical, emotional and spiritual burden I'm not sure I can bear again. 

I really want another child in this house.  In fact, truth be told, I'd like two more children in this house.  I'm not pushing my luck, though.  I'll settle with lobbying for one now.  I have the end game in mind where I think my husband is very short-sighted in his outlook.  Six years from now the Army will be in our rearview mirror and we will be looking ahead to the future as a truly civilian family. 

Ack.

I hate second guessing what my husband is thinking.  I hate attributing my perceptions of what is occurring to his actual thoughts and feelings or motivations.  I have literally prayed about this so much my head hurts.  I don't see these roadblocks as 'signs' that God wants me to abandon what I truly believe He started me thinking about in the first place.

I have to patient.  I know that.  It is so hard for me, though.  I just see the time ticking off the clock and our countdown to deployment is ridiculously fast.

Of course, I thought law school was something that was ok with the Big Guy too, but it doesn't seem like this is making any sense at all.

I almost give up.

Seriously. 

Waffling

I'm not a waffler by nature.  I'm a decider.  I know what I want and then, I go do it.  No questions asked.  I wouldn't be doing it if I weren't ready and sure.  If things untoward happen, well, then it's time to shift gears and drive on.

International adoption doesn't quite work like that...especially if the decider in you is being difficult.

We still are between China's Waiting Child (special need) program and Ethiopia.  The two are not interchangeable.  We must decide BEFORE we proceed what we're doing, where we're going and what agency we're choosing.  Of course, I have the path lined out on BOTH options.  All we need to do is pull the trigger.

The girls and I had a family meeting last night and neither, of course, expressed a real preference for either avenue to getting a new sister.  They just jumped into the whole "let's rearrange our rooms and make room" and who was going to sleep where.  I didn't expect a lot of help from a 5 or 9 year old, but you know what?  Sometimes, in their children's simplicity, they take complexity out at the knees.  Maybe something profound will be forthcoming, but so far, not so much.

My husband and I are definitely torn and with the impending deployment, he's pulled in 100 different directions.

I have an e-mail out now to the Waiting Child coordinator of the agency we are most interested in using if we go through China.  I'm asking her for insight, especially if military families they have worked with faced similar circumstances.  I'm sure she's way busy and she may not even answer me (given that we have filed NOTHING with this agency) even though we have used some of her agency's services to show we're serious.  In a week's time, I've garnered over 3 hours of the requires 10 of Hague training.

Argh.

Impatient

I realize patience is a virtue.  I guess I'm not that virtuous.

I'm dying to e-mail a contact I've made regarding Ethiopian adoption and pick her brain as to the feasibility of us completing the major paperwork and dossier collection prior to my husband's deployment.  I want to ask her about the feasibility of being put in a line of people waiting to adopt and, if we receive a referral while he's gone, the possibility/prudence of me traveling to Ethiopia to collect our daughter and bring her home. 

Knowing how important bonding and attachment is, I can't imagine not having everyone under one roof when a child comes home being a good idea.  Maybe I'm missing something?

The China special needs program still appeals to me too.  I'm torn.  My husband is torn.

My youngest daughter, however, is NOT.

She's already talking about how she wants to rearrange her room to make space for a new sister.

She told me last night she wants the sister to be younger than her so that she can do the teaching.  She's done learning, she says, as she "already knows it." 

I asked her in an off-hand way if, when her new sister comes to live with us, it would bother her if her new sister looked different than the rest of us.  "What if you new sister has much darker skin and hair than you?"  I asked.  "Would that bother you?"

She looked at me as if to say, 'Geez, Mom, I thought you were the smart one' and then answerwed, "Uh, NO." in that 'what is the matter with you, woman?!' way she has perfected.

Why can't something just be easy for us once in awhile?

If we were to receive a referral while my husband is deployed, I can't think of one person on God's green earth who would travel to Ethiopia OR China with me...that's kind of sad, isn't it?

A Person Should Know Better

So much has happened over the past week,  it's hard to fathom.  I couldn't blog about it, even though this blog has remained under the radar, because it's against my policy to take a chance that way.  Now that things have showed up in writing, however, I feel a little more comfortable writing about them.

First, when I returned from my trip last weekend, my husband told me that the expected deployment with his National Guard troop in 2010 had been changed.  Nothing was set in stone for 2010, we knew, but I didn't imagine if something were to change it would be like this.

Now, my husband is set to deploy this May.  That means he will likely be gone for all intent and purposes in March.  He will be gone for at least a year.  I'm sure you can see where this is going.

We either rush, rush, rush through all the decisions so we can submit some kind of paperwork prior to his leaving or we tread water until it's too late and perhaps try to have an R&R baby from scratch.  Neither of these options appeal to me much.

I am still very interested in China.  I'm also interested in Ethiopia.  We had our meeting today with the regional director of the agency we would likely go with should we choose China.  She was lovely as was her husband and she answered a lot of our questions.  She also offered to help us in doing whatever we'd like to do--even if that means we decide on Ethiopia.  She was still willing to help us with answering any questions she could regarding international adoption.

My problem is multi-layered.

China:  All indications from the rumor sites are that the current backlog and slow down in China referrals will not be whittled away any time soon.  In fact, one site estimates that if we have a log-in date in China in March of next year, we wouldn't receive a referral until 2017 if we go the non-special needs route.  I find that extremely difficult to believe, but then I look at those who were logged in back in early 2006 who are STILL waiting for a referral and know anything is possible.

If we go the special needs route, we could receive a referral more quickly, possibly, but that could lead to problems in a few respects.  If my husband isn't home when the referral comes and I have to make major decisions and travel on my own...not good.  Not to mention the bonding and attachment that is so important in those early months.  I need for everyone who will be in this child's immediate circle to be present and accounted for when that child arrives home.

Ethiopia:  Again, this route looks to be the super fastest.  I have contacted several individuals who work in Ethiopia on a small-scale and I'm sure that within a year's time we could be on our way to collect our child.  My husband, however, won't be home until the Spring 2010 at best.  We could be twisting in the wind waiting or, if we work with the right agency, we could receive a referral soon after he arrives home.  (The 'wrinkles' discussed in the previous post remain, however, and I'm still not sure the family would deal well with the diversity.)

Herein lies the bigger issue.  I'm not completely naive.  Although my husband has been deployed overseas before, he has not been to the sandbox.  He could be injured or worse.  He could come home physically fine, but emotionally harmed.  He could suffer from PTSD or other types of sensory issues that would be difficult to deal with and even harder to cope with should a new child be on the horizon.  It's hard for me in good conscience to proceed with an adoption or even a homegrown child not knowing what to expect from my husband when he comes home again. 

I have a general idea of the potential types of missions and duties my husband will be conducting on his deployment.  The likelihood of after effects is great.  Not only will my husband need time to reintegrate, our children will likely not smoothly slide him back into the family as they did last time.  When he previously deployed, the girls were 1 and 5.  Now, they are 5 and 9.  Physically, it will be easier on us to be without Daddy, but emotionally, I expect MUCH more turmoil this go 'round.  It is highly possible that the atmosphere in this home in the next two years will be volatile. 

It is just as likely, though, that we may scrape by with only a few bumps.  I'm not sure how, in this situation, to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

I have been praying about this a great deal.  I don't feel like all hope is lost or that the arrival of this deployment news is a sign from God that what I thought about the validity of my adoption desires was in error.   

It certainly feels like this has become a waiting game already or, at the very least, a holding pattern.  Unfortunately for us, time continues to pass whether we want it to or not and, by the time we reach a decision, it may very well be too late to matter.

Once again, the Army inserts itself into my life far further than I would allow it to if I had a choice.

Of Timelines and Predictions

Lots of adoption blogs are aimed specifically at one family or a particular group's journey to their specific child.  Others have garnered some attention as a melting pot and gathering place for rumors and predictions and speculations regarding timelines, analysis, and such.

I'm not all that great in math.  However, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the referrals from China for adoptions has slowed down considerably.  Many families have pulled their packets, others are abandoning the process before they begin and some are into their third year of the process.

Talking about the adoption has slowed down here now that school has started and the household is buzzing with activity.  The other reason is likely because anything we discuss now is likely conjecture.  Now that we have a date certain on the calendar for our meeting with a prospective agency, we are compiling questions for that day.

Although the wait for a special needs list child is also a little longer than usual, it certainly isn't three years.  I believe that this is the way we will end up going and yet, I'm sure it will require more of a learning curve on my husband's part.  Of course, if we have a child home before he deploys again and I am the one left to deal with any medical fallout, would it really be fair to put the kibosh on things?

I'm still cautiously excited about the whole idea. 

I know China is still at the top of my husband's list (and mine, for that matter), but I'm also very attracted to Ethiopia and its program.  The cost is similar, there is the option to have your child escorted to the States (which I likely wouldn't do), the referral time is more along the lines of China's previous referral times, the children are healthy and beautiful and without parents to love them.  It breaks my heart.

I doubt, however, that my husband would be as agreeable to an adoption from Ethiopia.  It's sad to say, but even in the very diverse area in which we live, our hometown is decidedly NOT diverse.  Transracial adoption carries extra wrinkles that other adoptions don't.  I'm not sure how our extended families would do with those extra wrinkles, but given what I know about a lot of them, they probably wouldn't deal well.  Because an adoption doesn't happen in isolation, a wider circle has to be taken into account.

Oh!  I almost forgot.  For the first time in my life, I rescinded a contract within the 3-day window.  No new Florida room for us.  We're doing something else that won't hurt us financially (I hope).

Good Grief.

I likely just watched any hope of being found financially sound enough to adopt walk out my front door.  We have an atrocious "Florida room" on the back of our house that is horrendously ugly and completely non-functional.  We have talked for YEARS about putting a new one on, but never went further than that.

This past Friday (when I was in the funk thinking we had nixed adoption plans) I took my oldest to the mall to have her ears pierced and picked up some information about sunrooms.  If I scheduled a free estimate, we would get $2000 taken off the price if we were to schedule the work.  I made the appointment.  It happened tonight.

Contingent upon financing coming through, we have committed to putting a new sunroom on the back of our house.  I don't really know how I feel about that.  I'm not working right now, so I didn't feel like I could have an equal say--even though my husband says I do.  I could tell he was psyched about it.  I knew he wanted to do it...so we are.

It is a lot of money.  Monthly payment wise we can do it, but the total amount will surely count as a liability against our assets.  We're also then basically saying we're staying in this house for awhile because otherwise it won't pay itself off by the time we move.  I'd much rather have a new kitchen than a new sunroom, but that's me.

I also would have much rather waited to do this until we spoke with the adoption agency's regional director to see how close we are to the financial requirements.  Without me having a job, we're going to be nowhere close given this new obligation.  I'd like to think I'll have a real job soon, but so far, no bites.

I'll have to play around with numbers tomorrow to see what it is we've done.  I'm sure I'll like the new room, but not if it costs me this opportunity to adopt.  I know, I know.  If I want a third child, I can do it the old-fashioned way too...but that won't help me in my job search or employment either.

I don't like being a grown-up.

First Steps

This month is so busy.  Usually, weekends are a time to catch up on household things like laundry, grocery shopping, etc.  This month, I'll need to try and do those things during the week (maybe not being employed isn't so bad?) because the weekends are so atypical.

This weekend, I'm traveling.  Next weeknd, my husband has guard duty.  The weekend after that, I'm traveling again.  That meant to schedule anything solid with our prospective agency's regional director, we had to set a date for the end of the month.  Sunday the 28th we will be meeting the regional director to ask all the questions I've been cataloging in my notebook. 

It's difficult because I've been reading quite a bit about adopting from China.  There are people who just today received the referrals for their children.  They will travel either next month or in November to pick them up.  The packets of information for this set of adoptive parents was "logged in" in early February of 2006.  That's nearly three years ago.  It makes the sense of urgency to begin this process even more real, but it also shines a light onto the reality of just what a lengthy and drawn out process this could be with no guarantees of having a child at the end.

I'm looking forward to asking lots of questions and I liked that the regional director invited me to shoot her questions via e-mail in the meantime, even noting that she remembered what it felt like when she began the process and how September 28th would have seemed 'too long' to wait for her.  I was thinking that in my mind, so it was nice to hear her say what I was thinking.

I'm not sure what will happen once this meeting occurs.  We may need to have a family meeting with the girls about it.  The girls are so impressionable and at such an odd age to be having such a serious discussion.  I think our oldest would be able to give us a carefully thought out analysis of the pros and cons, but the youngest?  She'll change her mind a bazillion times about what to name a doll baby let alone her opinion on whether or not she thinks a new sister forever and ever would be a good idea.  The oldest doesn't like to rock the boat, though, so if she senses that it's what Mom and Dad think is a good idea, she'll likely be agreeable and then honest later.

I do worry about the extended family sometimes...probably too much.  I tried to imagine over the weekend when we visited family what it would be like if a new addition from China were added to the mix.  I had to be honest that some of the people in attendance might not be there and that made me sad.  But, as I discussed with my husband, I'm looking even further ahead than when a new arrival would come.  I'm thinking past when my husband retires from the military and I'm settled in a job of some kind.  I don't feel our family is complete yet and international adoption has always been something in my heart.  I have had some nagging thoughts in my mind, but then I read more or investigat more and my resolved is shored up again.

I know we have a long way to go, but making this first appointment feels like a step in the right direction.

Almost September

My husband surprised me the yesterday (especially given the near epic implosion that was earlier this week) by mentioning in an off-hand way that he thought passports were only good for 10 years.

I gave him a confused look and said, "So?"

He responded by telling me that he thought it would make things go much more smoothly if all our paperwork were up-to-date and current when we start putting it together for an adoption application.

This was kind of a shocker to me to say the least because I honestly listened to what he had to say the other night and thought he was putting the kibosh on the entire thing.  Either I need to clean out my ears or he needs to be more clear.  Maybe both things are in order.

He also saw the application packet from the Chinese-only adoption agency I had reuested information from and said, "Wow.  You haven't even opened that yet?  I never thought you'd wait for me to be home before you opened it."  I had almost tossed it in the trash out of anger and frustration, but couldn't do it.  A couple other packets DID bite the dust, though, so hopefully we will find we didn't need them anyhow.

I have a notebook in which I am going to write out all our questions regarding the adoption process so we can toss them out at a meeting with the regional director for the adoption agency I'm most attracted to using.

I like this particular agency because they only do Chinese adoption (and, honestly, I think that's the only place my husband is interested in for some reason) and they have a stand-alone office in Beijing.  I like that there are people on the ground in the capital city to keep their ears open and be a resource while we endure what promises to be an excruciatingly long wait. 

My husband and I are also talking about the possibility of putting ourselves on the Special Needs list rather than the Non-Special Needs list when we apply formally.  A child with a birthmark (that may be lightened or removed completely) are considered special needs in China.  A healthy child who reaches her 4th birthday is considered special need too.  Because we aren't married to the idea of adopting an infant, the idea of an "older" child who may have a slight imperfection in the eyes of the Chinese government doesn't bother us...especially if the wait for that child is as much as half of that of a supposedly 'perfect' child. 

I don't even have a problem with children with cleft palates and such because tending to that surgically is possible--my only concern would be something happening to her before we could get there or her surgery could occur.  My husband, however, doesn't know enough about it to be comfortable in putting a check in that box on the form.  I'm going to conduct some research, though, and see if I can fill in the information gaps so he can feel comfortable and make an informed decision one way or the other.

We also have to do a major overhaul on our house.  Cleaning, decluttering, reorganizing.  It's been needed for awhile, but this is as good a motivation as I've found.  Once I'm able to land a job (waiting for licensure results is a pain!), we can even consider whether or not we wish to move.  The real estate market is so ridiculous right now, but we've done lots of nice things to our place.  We've lived here almost ten years.  What it will likely come down to is whether we'll need the equity in the house to account for our "assets" for the application and whether we may need to use the equity in the house for part of the adoption fees.  It would be nice to move to a four-bedroom home so everyone would have their own rooms off the bat, but I have some ideas that could make things work until that's possible.

Obviously, a trip to our accountant is in order.  We need to figure out what our financial reality is in light of our adoption plans.  From my limited information, it seems likely we can use where we are now to submit our paperwork and then, during our wait for the referral, we can look for another house and have this one on the market.  If we are lucky enough to sell this place and move into a new home, we can pay for a new/revised home study based on that change in address.  Because the move would be an upgrade, I would not think it would be a detriment to our process.  It's a question that's going in the notebook, though!

Patience is not something I'm really great at, but motherhood has made me more so.  I think I'll feel more settled once we've actually started the process.  I'll feel great when everything is submitted to China and logged in such that there is a date assigned our dossier packet.  The wait after that will be long, but with two children I know I'll be able to keep myself occupied.  I'm pretty sure I'll feel better once we get this show on the road.

Glad This Day is Over

What an awful day it has been.

Last night, my husband and I were watching a video on-line of a family picking up their adopted child in Ethiopia.  My husband seemed spooked once the video was over when he realized that Ethiopia had a quicker referral time than China (which we have been researching) and that I had begun to look in to Ethiopia as he had expressed concern over China 'taking a long time.'

Although he doesn't admit it at the moment, he did say that he wasn't sure about this entire idea or even that he's sure he wants to have more kids.

What?

I'm sorry.  Could you repeat that for those of us who didn't realize you'd been snatched by aliens and replaced by a total stranger?

Today was a horrible day.

I cried.  A lot.  In speaking with friends who knew of my plans and ideas on adopting, I could not hide my disappointment.  I even ended up talking to my mom about it because I no longer felt I had nothing to keep as a surprise or hide.  My mom likes it when things go according to plan and if you're going to rock the boat, she likes it if you have all your ducks in a row.  I don't have nearly enough information to make this idea not seem scary and too much for her. 

"Why can't you just enjoy the children you have?"

I do enjoy the children I have.  This enjoyment is precisely why I am at the point where I realize my family is not complete and that we could enfold another person into our household and our family and be better for it.

Aside from taking my daughter to do something she really wanted to do today, I didn't leave the house.  I also didn't have any coffee today...maybe that's my problem?  I didn't answer my husband's text messages.  It was just too much. 

He arrived home from work completely flummaxed (is that a word?) by my dismal mood.  We went to dinner and then tucked our youngest into bed.  He finally asked what was going on and I told him how I felt about his statements last night.  It seemed so clear last night that he had been humoring me and figuring my excitement and interest would dim long before he had to make any kind of real decision.  He denied that and said that although he isn't ready to file an application now, he's interested in finding out more about China, adopting a new daughter from there and having our questions answered.

Part of me thinks those answers won't be agreeable to him (too long of a time frame in his mind) and other countries won't present an acceptable option to him.  I'm cynical.  I can't help it.  If it doesn't turn out like that, I'll be very surprised.  I don't typically like surprises, but in this case, I might.