5 For Hope

Holding Pattern

I'm honestly not sure what we are doing.

The only thing I am certain of is that we are in a holding pattern.

My husband and I talk about finding a bed and reorganizing M2's room to allow M3 to have her own space and belongings in the room.  We discuss my overhaul of our own bedroom as perfectly timed to impress a homestudy completing social worker.  We talk about my finding some part-time jobs while I look for a full-time legal position so that we can earn as much money as quickly as we can.

We know to apply for grants we need an approved/completed homestudy. 

To put a homestudy in motion, we need to file our application with the agency ($600).  Then, the place we are looking to do our home study charges $1150.  We need to come up with $1750 in short order.  Hard to do when one of us is not working and that is why I want to find something(s) pronto.

Those conversations and plans seem all directed toward our end goal of being paper ready by the time my husband deploys.  On the other hand, we haven't heard an update from the NGO director nor have we filed the perfectly free pre-application paperwork.  I'd like to, but I haven't broached the subject with my husband since we reached an understanding last weekend.

I know I need to just ask.  I'm scared to rock the boat.  I know he still has reservations and is reluctant because he worries about M's ability to bond with him if he isn't even in the household when she arrives home.  I also know he worries about what effect deployment may have on him physically and emotionally and what that will mean to when he comes home for R&R and at the completion of his deployment. 

I wonder those things too.

However, I cannot diminish these feelings I have for M.  She's there and we're here and that is growing increasingly uancceptable in the scheme of things, deployment or not.

I guess I need to put on my Mom hat and ask some tough questions...or, maybe, I put on my Super Mom cape and just say what it is I'm doing and see if I receive any negative responses?  Someday I hope we look at this and laugh...like how could we have ever been so timid...rather than read this and cry over opportunities missed.

Hoping for all treats & no tricks...

At 7 a.m. this morning, I found out that I passed my state's bar exam.  I received my score report in the mail and am pleased with my performance.  I passed, for crying out loud, and yet I'm dissecting my performance!  Sheesh!

It's a very surreal experience as I took this exam at the end of July and have waited this long for results.

The waiting is definitely the hardest part...Tom Petty is so profound.

I am so hoping that the director of the NGO replies to my e-mail about M3 today...I'm obsessively refreshing my e-mail inbox.  So far, nothing.

I'm scared she will tell me that the other family has already filed their application.

I'm scared she will read too much into my inquiry for an update and determine that we aren't committed enough at this point to reward us with the gift of time to work out all the kinks.

I'm scared she won't e-mail me back today and I won't know what's going on for the entire weekend.

One thing is for certain.  This has made me antsy.  It has punctuated for me how much I already love this little girl.  How I want to have her home with us and not in the orphanage.

I hope very soon that I will be able to add another category to this blog.  "Before We Began" is all well and good, but I'm ready to move to the next step.

   

Crazy Week

It has been a week since my phone conversation with the director of the non-governmental agency (NGO). 

If I had written a synopsis of every day in between that phone call and now, it would be enough to give a person whiplash.  My husband and I have shared a lot of harsh words, kind words, tears and laughter.  It has been a remarkable little piece of our relationship that will be memorable regardless of the eventual outcome.

A few realizations were made.  First, it is highly likely that my husband had slipped into the pre-deployment haze that disengages a military member from his home life long before he actually deploys.  Once he snapped from that, we were able to have some productive discussions.  It's safe to say he did not 1) realize how serious I was about completing an adoption in the very near future and 2) he did not anticipate a child being available to us in such a short period of time.

The deployment continues to loom over us and it is the major sticking point in our decision making process.  I'm not the most rational when it comes to M3 because I have already allowed her to set up residence in my heart and imagination.  Moms tend to lead with their hearts when it comes to little people, though, so I'm not so surprised at my level of affection toward this little girl I have never met.

As it stands, I sent the director of the NGO an e-mail today which basically requested an update on M's status.  If the other family originally interested in her has already submitted paperwork and locked her file, our continuing to discuss M specifically is moot...although I think we'll still be discussing adoption.  If, however, the situation has changed such that she is without an adoption plan at the moment, I can see my husband entertaining the idea of running the gauntlet between now and when he deploys to make this dream a reality.

So much to think about and do!

For now, though, it's just obsessively refreshing my e-mail screen and waiting on a reply.  Sigh.

Productive Phone Call

Late this afternoon I received the phone call I'd scheduled via e-mail yesterday.  It was lovely to talk to the mission director and hear more about M. and her status.  Basically, she is "paper ready" meaning that her file is complete and she's ready to be matched to her forever family.  The director told me that if we were to put a move on it (application and home study plus dossier paperchasing) we might even be able to have M. home before my husband deploys.  MUCH would need to fall into place for that to happen, not the least of which is finding enough money up front to accomplish these tasks.

I explained to the director that the money remains a concern for us.  We're trying to be realistic.  She said that if we are serious about this and  we can accomplish the money generating in a "reasonable time" she sees no reason why M. cannot be referred to us and her waiting child file 'locked' during this introductory phase of the process.

I cleared up all other questions and promised to be in touch.

When I hung up, my husband immediately asked me to come into the living room and discuss the contents of the conversation.  He was very receptive to everything I had to say and seemed surprised and also a little pleased (for the lack of a better term) that we may be able to accomplish this even with his impending deployment.

I took M2 to gymnastics and after that hour, returned home for dinner.  Once the kids were in bed, I couldn't resist the urge to ask him where his head is regarding all this new information.  I said, "So...what do you think?"  He replied, "I don't know, hon." and not in a "let's talk about this some more" way.  It was closer to a "I'm still not ready to do this and therefore, because you have your heart set on M. and not just adopting a child in general, the conversation is closed for good."

I try not to read too much into what he's doing and saying or not doing and not saying.  I also tried not to get my heart set on anyone or anything, but we see how well I did there.  I suppose I should have learned by now, but for all my negativity at times, I must be an optimist at heart.

It's sometimes the hardest thing about marriage, at least our marriage, to not be able to trump decisions that involve the entire family.  I suppose Dr. Phil would say that's the way it should be...if one spouse isn't okay with something that impacts the entire family, it shouldn't be done.  Unfortunately, I dig a little deeper than the surface and see that my husband's decision to be in the military, even just in the ARNG, impacts our entire family in potentially permanent and devastating ways and yet, I have no say in whether or not he serves because it is his choice and of utmost importance to him.  Yet, his decision to serve has greatly impacted our family and its size. 

If he decides not to adopt M. and his word is final, I, ultimately, will have no recourse.  While I don't think one spouse should be able to force another into making a major change in the household if the other spouse is completely opposed to it, I'm also not willing to agree 100% that it's okay for one spouse to put the kibosh on something so important to the other simply because he isn't 100% certain. 

I would never dream of insisting he not serve in the Guard even though it will mean I'll be a single parent for an entire year very soon.  It's part of who he is and a "calling", if you will.  It's hard to admit that I'm able to sacrifice and trudge into uncertain times because I love him and his calling is important to him, but mine is, apparently, not equal.

I don't know.

I was very excited to speak to the director tonight.  Now, I'm kind of feeling like I should have just stayed in bed today.

Turning Wheels...Hold On Tightly!

Wow.  Just wow.  What a difference a day makes.

I honestly did not expect to hear anything more from the organization from which we had received the waiting children DVDs.  I figured the ball was sort of in my court now that we were provided with the pre-application and the functioning discs.  I had the occasion to find the Bible verse that I inserted beneath the masthead of the blog today and should have realized that something would be on the horizon.

I received an e-mail from the woman I had originally contacted from the organization when I was seeking the password to the private photolisting of waiting kids.  She thanked us for our continued interest in M. and then recounted for us her interactions with M. when she met her in May and visited her again in August.  She also mentioned that one other family have since expressed an interest in learning more about M. and that she would answer any and all questions as we continue to deliberate.

I took the invitation and sent her a LONG e-mail outlining the three, remaining general areas of concern for my husband as well as the specific questions that each of these categories had generated.  I knew it was a ton of information and apologized for that, but figured she might still entertain some of the ideas.

She replied to my e-mail not long after I'd hit "send" saying that all our concerns were ones that she understood and had dealt with previously.  She asked for our phone number and if it would be okay for her to call me tomorrow.  I provided it readily and told her when I'd be home to receive her call.

Oh.  My.  Gosh.

Wow.

I don't know what will happen.  I honestly do not.  What I do know, though, is that I have never felt closer to God than I have during the past couple months.  I have never felt more like I am on the right path than I have in the last few months.  I am happy.  I am at peace.  I am not borrowing trouble for once.  I'm not angry about the state of the world or just the general state of my world. 

It's weird.  I'm less than two weeks away from finding out whether or not I passed my licensing exam.  I'm less than six months away from my husband deploying to a war zone.  I'm busier with my children than I have ever been.  And yet, I've not felt this settled, confident or happy in years, literally.

I'm not even second guessing my lack of cynicism or reservations.  THAT's uncanny in my world.  And, I'm loving every minute of it!

Frustration to Near Elation

Before leaving town Friday for my sister-in-law's wedding, I received an e-mail regarding the defective DVD and the lady was nice enough to promise to send a replacement disc with all the children as well as a disc containing footage of just the little girl we are interested in the most.  Because of the location of this office in relation to our home, I figured I wouldn't see this mailer until Wednesday.  I'm not sure how I became the fountain of eternal optimism, but I continued to hope to see it before then. 

And, among so many answered prayers in this journey, the mailer was in my mailbox this afternoon when I went to collect the daily delivery.

My husband and I immediately sat down and watched the raw footage that went into making the interview I had originally watched on our first disc.  He appeared as enthralled by her as I and saw in her the very things I had seen.  Just like with our youngest, he is able to look beyond that little, quiet shell and see the lovely, sweet, and fun little girl waiting to be found. 

Both girls watched the video when they came home from school.  They thought M. was cute and wanted to "go get her today."

The organization also sent along a pre-application for an adoption through them via agency with whom they are affiliated.  I have already answered all the questions in pencil on a separate piece of notebook paper.  You know, in case my husband suddenly decides to give the go-ahead...time's a wastin'.

Truthfully, he's being very diligent in his thought process and I appreciate this about him, especially now.  I am a perpetual and perennial mother.  There is a child that I have identified who is alone in this world who needs a family.  As far as that goes, I'm locked and loaded, so to speak.  It's good he can be calm, cool and collected and consider the contingencies of this ginormous step in our family's life.

I know, though, that it's useless to try and not love this little girl.  I already do.  We may not be the family the Lord has chosen to make a place for this little soul.  But, that doesn't mean that I don't feel a connection to her and want to swoop in, wrap her in my arms, and shuttle her to the States immediately.  I pray for her and her biological mother every single night.  I pray both know that somewhere in this world there is an average mom who holds them both dear and wants nothing but the best for both of them.

Now, it's about waiting...and hoping.

Even though this is so far a secret blog, I know someone out there knows where we are in our journey and can relate.  Someday, M. may read this and know that before we even officially began, she had made a home for herself in our hearts. 

We love you already, M. 

Trying to Understand

Yesterday, thinking about adoption became distracting.  And, again, I had the thought, "Okay, so why do I keep refreshing my e-mail inbox?  Do I think someone is just going to hand me a child through the screen?"  I decided to break the loop and go to the mailbox.

In the mail was an envelope from the Ethiopian mission project I had contacted earlier (remember the lady who replied within 24 hours and then, when I relayed the news of the deployment, had not replied a second time?).  Inside the packet was a booklet describing their entire adoption program's process and requirements as well as information regarding the children on the included set of two DVDs.  These interviews, conducted in Ethiopia, featured children on the waiting child list.

Interview #23 was little M.  Yes, her name starts with M.  I had seen her still photo on the website's protected page and was immediately drawn to her.  Seeing her in action did not diminish that attraction one bit.  I could not WAIT for my husband to come home so I could show him the clip.  He had time to stop by for lunch and when I tried to start the DVD for him to see, it wouldn't load!  The disk just spun and spun and the interview wouldn't start.  Later in the evening, we tried putting it in our other computer's disk drive and it repeated its behavior.  SO frustrating and annoying!

I e-mailed the director lady to see if we could have a replacement disk or have just little M's interview sent to us somehow so my husband can see her. 

She is 4.  She is precious.  She has no one.  She has a scarred hand from a burn she experienced as a child.  She will benefit from therapy for her hand, it seems, as she's using it much more since coming in to care.

Is the timing right?  No.

Do we have the needed funds to complete this in an expedited way?  Again, No.

Am I letting that stop me from continuing to pray and hope that perhaps we may be able to help little M and ourselves by making some kind of permanent connection and arrangement with her?  Um, no again.

I also have to know, though, that there are tons of families who likely received this DVD.  Many families who are paper ready.  Many families who have the money or know how to get it.  Many families who have, perhaps, adopted even more than once for whom bringing little M home would be an easy and seamless process.  I will certainly be so happy for her should she find a Mom and Dad in the coming days.  But, I will also cry a little that we weren't able to hug her, hold her, bring her into our home, and make her welcome.

I'm still not sure what will happen once this idea becomes a realit for our extended family.  My husband is still reticent in many ways because of the transracial issues and our relatives.  I don't understand it myself, but I know it's there and it has to be acknowledged and dealt with effectively.  I want whomever comes into our family to be accepted and to know the joy of being loved by just more than her Daddy and Mommy and Sissies.  However, I'm not convinced that we are incapable of welcoming new people into our lives who could fulfill these roles for our daughter should our families decide to act like fools.

It's difficult to prove a negative and I'm sure I will never be able to 'convince' my parents, especially my mother, that I'm serious about this and it's a good idea and best for our family.  She's one of the only people in my family, if not the only one, that I've told about our interest in adopting.  So far, I would not call her 'on board' and I'm not even sure she takes this seriously.  It's hurtful, but it's also teaching me a lot about the relationship issues that mothers and daughters have and how I can adjust that for myself in my life and my kids' lives too.

Marking Time

I don't think much has changed since I last posted.  Nothing truly observable anyway.

I can say I think my husband has become more open to discussing Ethiopia as a true possibility rather than just an option.  I think the whole slow road to China, the financial requirements and the rest have him realizing that maybe there is a bigger hand in all this than either of us even know.

I have e-mailed a lady from the church that runs the orphanages and sponsorship program in Ethiopia in which my family has participated.  I asked her for the names of the agencies through which it place its children from the orphanage.  Although I made that one, great contact earlier in September, I want to research things more fully so that should my husband be ready to move or need more information, I'm ready.

So many unknown variables right now and only one constant.  My desire to add another person to the household has not waned in the least.  No surprises there, I suppose.

Off Beat Communication

Not off beat in the sense of being weird or extraordinary, mind you, but off beat in that it is out of synch.

Over a week ago, before I realized our assets were not hefty enough for China's liking, I'd e-mailed the Waiting Child coordinator with our top agency choice.  I explained my husband's impending deployment, etc., and asked what she suggested we do in regard to our proposed timeline. 

She replied to my e-mail today and, according to the information she provided, it appears if our assets were in order, we'd be able to do this even with my husband being half way around the planet.  Technology and Powers of Attorney are marvelous things.

I had to reply to her e-mail with the news that law school debt has trumped our desire to adopt.  I made it clear we aren't giving up nor are we abandoning our plans.  I also explained that I am trying to organize our finances in a way that I can keep tabs on them as we go and, when we hit the magic number, we can send in our preliminary paperwork. 

I wonder if I'll hear from her?

The adoption coordinator for the Ethiopian program I'd e-mailed (who, last time e-mailed me the very next day) has not replied to my most recent e-mail regarding one little girl in particular and what we may be able to do given my husband's deployment status and our continued interest in Ethiopia.  Well, MY continued interest, but I'm kind of driving this train at the moment anyway.

I have to say this whole disappointing early experience has been disheartening.  I know I need to get a tougher skin so I don't lose it during this process.  I think not having a job right now and being at home with the computer on-line 24/7 doesn't help matters.  I'm not sure what I'm waiting on anyway.  I mean, part of me thinks there will be a magic e-mail in my box from someone (God?) telling me what to do and helping me stem the tide of overwhelming emotions and feelings of helplessness.  I WANT to be doing something more than I am, but at the moment, my efforts are being squelched.

I think if I could be working on sewing this doll for our sponsorship child in Ethiopia, I'd feel more productive.  I want to get the show on the road, but with my husband here to give me the tutorial on my own sewing machine, I'm incapable of working on it alone.  I'm scared I'll gum up the machine to the point that even when he does come home, it will be unuseable.  It's possible.  I don't have a good track record with sewing machines, after all.

Reality should tell me that this journey is suspended indefinitely.  My heart, however, isn't listening.  Much like that pang I felt when trying to conceive my oldest daughter, this one won't go away even though, technically, I know there is nothing anyone can do to help make this process any easier, faster or forthcoming.

Ugh.

Just ugh.

Daydreaming

With my husband gone this week for training and only the girls and I at home, I'm once again responsible for all the ins and outs of household frivolity. 

Instead of feeling put upon this time, I find myself thinking about what it would be like to have one more little lunch to pack, dinner to make, bath to draw, outfit to select, and tuck-in ritual to perform.  I look in the rearview mirror and imagine a little third someone sandwiched in between M1 and M2.  I imagine what kind of activities she might be interested in, the little friends she might make, the boo-boos to be kissed and bandaged and all that kiddo stuff.

I know that it will be awhile before that littler person finds their way here, but I'm trusting what my friend R. said in a recent e-mail, "That baby will find its way to you."  I'm a firm believer in the old adage, "If it's meant to be, it will happen."  It honestly is the story of my life in so many ways.  I can't help but know that we are meant to welcome a third person into our home.  How and when and from where that happens remains to be seen. 

I'm still reaching out to people in the adoption circles.  I also think God is allowing me to glean guidance from those who will be most helpful.  As we leaned toward China and I reached out to the agency we were most interested in, I have only had lukewarm responses.  I suppose unless we write a check or sign on some dotted line, we're just an annoying e-mail in an inbox.  I'm anxious to see now that I've explained our deployment scenario to the Ethiopian agency director if she'll respond to my latest e-mail or not.  I'm betting she will...she just seems very generous and genuine  with a caring heart for the kids in her organization's care.

I'm trying to be patient.  I'm not sure I'm doing very well, though!