I'm honestly not sure what we are doing.
The only thing I am certain of is that we are in a holding pattern.
My husband and I talk about finding a bed and reorganizing M2's room to allow M3 to have her own space and belongings in the room. We discuss my overhaul of our own bedroom as perfectly timed to impress a homestudy completing social worker. We talk about my finding some part-time jobs while I look for a full-time legal position so that we can earn as much money as quickly as we can.
We know to apply for grants we need an approved/completed homestudy.
To put a homestudy in motion, we need to file our application with the agency ($600). Then, the place we are looking to do our home study charges $1150. We need to come up with $1750 in short order. Hard to do when one of us is not working and that is why I want to find something(s) pronto.
Those conversations and plans seem all directed toward our end goal of being paper ready by the time my husband deploys. On the other hand, we haven't heard an update from the NGO director nor have we filed the perfectly free pre-application paperwork. I'd like to, but I haven't broached the subject with my husband since we reached an understanding last weekend.
I know I need to just ask. I'm scared to rock the boat. I know he still has reservations and is reluctant because he worries about M's ability to bond with him if he isn't even in the household when she arrives home. I also know he worries about what effect deployment may have on him physically and emotionally and what that will mean to when he comes home for R&R and at the completion of his deployment.
I wonder those things too.
However, I cannot diminish these feelings I have for M. She's there and we're here and that is growing increasingly uancceptable in the scheme of things, deployment or not.
I guess I need to put on my Mom hat and ask some tough questions...or, maybe, I put on my Super Mom cape and just say what it is I'm doing and see if I receive any negative responses? Someday I hope we look at this and laugh...like how could we have ever been so timid...rather than read this and cry over opportunities missed.