You Should Not Have Said The Word "Impossible"

Some of you reading this blog may only "know" me through the blog and perhaps only since the blog started.  Others of you may have met me long before our adoption journey began and have followed all the steps that have carried us to this spot. 

One thing you may have gathered is that I'm not the most flexible of individuals and I am, in fact, quite stubborn.  I don't deal well with change.  I'm not a fan of the unknown.  The word "If" is far less preferred in my vocab than the words "When" or "Is."  I'm just not a fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants kind of chickie. 

The surefire way to have me dig in my heels, however, is for you to tell me something is out of my hands.  To agree with me that I cannot do something.  To stroke my bruised ego and tell me that lesser people would have fled long ago and that anytime I want to wave my surrender flag, you'll be there to take all my efforts, hard work, and due diligence and hand them off to someone else.  Tell me that there are no answers.  No way to figure this out. 

No hope.

No hope?  No.  Hope.  Patently unsat.

So patently unsat that a strange thing happens to me. Very much like poor Dr. Bruce Banner, I experience a complete change of station.  No, I don't turn green and have my clothes in tatters.  But, I do start googling like it's my full-time job and I start figuring things out.

That is where we are now.  Figuring things out and trying to see what's what.

It all started here when this video provided me with simple, but lifechanging information that WORKED.  Once I saw that I could do something useful and it worked?!  I felt like perhaps this journey into therapeutic parenting wasn't as overwhelmingly daunting as it appeared even a month ago.  I started feeling confident in myself.  Of my love for this little girl who cannot see how wonderful and deserving and worthy she is of all the care and attention we want to wrap her in each day.

I'm learning to be more present.  I'm learning to appreciate the small victories and not to sweat the small stuff so much.  I'm trying not to freak out and worry ahead...plenty of worries for today, thank you so much.

We were told that without any indicators of even some emotional bonding, moving past where we are would not be possible.  That makes sense.  Unfortunately, it also made me feel very scared because no one, not even I, could provide one iota of emotional bonding between M3 and any of us.  Sad, really, as we've been here nearly a year together.

I'm not trying to become overly excited or to read too much into things, but this past week when we had been advised that 'starting a timeline and setting a deadline' would be in M3's best interest, M3 decided to show some interest (albeit it small) in joining the Party of Five.

Pretty sure we're onto something here, but I want to run it past her therapist before I go all IT'S BONDING on everyone.

I don't know much right now which is astoundingly frustrating, but I'm coming up with my own 'truths' to keep my stamina and sanity intact:

We have worked very hard.  We will continue to work hard. 

We are only just beginning--we waded around in confusing despair and frustration for nearly a year.  Now that we know our foe, we can set about convincing reactive attachment disorder to take a seat and let M3 come out to play once in awhile.

We have been presented with no evidence, empirical or otherwise, that would say that we could not be the perfect family for M3.  Sure, maybe she has told us more than once that she'd rather not have a Mom or Dad, but she's five.  And very sick.  And, she has to have a Mom and Dad--the laws of everything, including nature, say so.  As such, we are already her parents under the law of a couple of countries, so you know, we have that going for us. 

This is not going to be pretty.  Or fun.  Or smooth sailing. 

It will be messy.  And painful.  And hard.  And frustrating beyond belief.

BUT.

If the same people who deemed us fit to parent an adopted child now seem to think they could find another family to do the job we signed on to do, that family is just as likely us...right? 

I'm going to figure this out.  We can do this.  We deserve a chance to give this a try.

Wish us luck.

Comments

[Amy Ivey]

Um, WOW. Continuing to pray for all of you!!!

[Connie Bigham]

Of course you can do this, just keep trusting God for all your needs, (not wants) He will take care of you only believe Love you alot Aunt Connie