November has been an extremely busy month.
We'll start with the stuff most important to M3--we took a week off from hairstyling, then re-did our finger coils, then took another week to rest our tresses. Tonight, I used some ouchless hairbands to section her hair and realized she finally had enough hair to do the puffs she's given positive comments to when she sees them on other girls.
So, I set about putting puffs in M3's hair and they turned out super cute. Her hair isn't quite long enough to do two, big ponytail puffs in the back, so I sectioned her hair and put in puffs much like bantu knots or box braids would be positioned.
I wasn't sure what she'd think, but they were so easy to put in, I figured they would be easy enough to take out if she vetoed the hairstyle. You never know--she hasn't vetoed one yet, but she did tell me she didn't want the finger coils this time.
So much for Mom's decision to make that her signature style.
I'm sure if she could hear all the positive comments people gave when they saw her photo with the style in, she'd relent and want that style more often than not. But, today, she was not interested in what I considered the best work I've done so far. This style, though, is a definite contender because it was super easy, very quick and she loved it.
I had the amazing opportunity to go to Hawaii for five days with some of my dearest friends on the dime of the company that sponsors a military spouse blog I've written for since its debut five years ago. Writers aren't compensated outside the airfare and lodging provided when we do our live events. Sometimes those events are in Virginia or Texas or Washington State. Sometimes, however, the plan comes together and we find ourselves somewhere as breathtaking as Waikiki Beach.
I had a lovely view as I was lying on a towel looking up at the sky. I will need that view to carry me through what is bound to be a long, cold winter.
I arrived home to a car whose starter died while my husband and I ate lunch on the way from the airport to our daughters' school for pick-up. Not surprising given that I'd had a completely problem-free trip--Welcome Back!
We were back up and running by the weekend when we had our first family photo session. We had not had a professional photo (or any kind of group photo taken since our first day home) taken as a Party of Five, so we were looking forward to it, but also nervous. M3's behavior is still a huge factor in our ability to do things outside the house without losing our good humor, so we thought the photographer's offer of a 20-minute mini-session for a reasonable fee fit the bill.
Had we been there longer, we would have been in trouble.
M3 became comfortable during the session, a testament to the nice photographer and her good communication skills, and when she becomes comfortable, she becomes inappropriate. Her favorite behavior to engage in at that point is bossy and rude verbal comments (if she can't get her hands on you) or unwarranted and unwanted touching ('petting' a person's arm, trying to hold her hand, hugging, straightening shirt hems, etc.).
We made it out marginally unscathed--I have since apologized to the photographer--with an awesome set of photos that made it very hard to decide on the one for our package deal. My mom found the outfits for the girls while I was in Hawaii. They looked so great! I had my clothes in my closet--can't believe my shirt was such a perfect match. My husband needed a pair of new jeans and a nice new shirt, but Target made it easily on the budget.
On the 15th, we had a big day. My husband and I attended M3's first parent-teacher conference and then attended a parents-only meeting with a therapist from the International Adoption Clinic that M3 will start seeing on a weekly basis in December. The good news is that M3 is academically on point with all her peers. The not-so-good news is that until the meeting where we could (once again) disabuse M3's teachers of the motives behind her behavior, she had pretty much been able to engage in the behaviors we're trying to address in an unfettered way.
It's hard to explain that although lots of 5-year-olds love to be first in line, love to sing louder than their classmates (and stand up to be the conductor), "help" their classmates do their work, etc., M3's motives for engaging in such behavior is completely different. Rather than "being so helpful she can't help herself" from bossing her counterparts into doing what she wishes, for instance, we had to share (again) with the teachers how attachment disorder works and how the past two years of her life have affected her behavior on a daily basis.
When they had to put their thoughts into words, though, they crystallized the truth in one sentence, "M3 does not appreciate the consequences of her actions and she does not think of anyone but herself."
That about sums it up.
That isn't to say she isn't funny, engaging, cute and whip smart. It is to say that we are exhausted and we needed to say that out loud and ask for help.
Our meeting with the therapist was very cathartic. I'm not sure what all the therapy will entail specifically, but I know the goal is to start working on the social aspects of M3's life. The sooner we do that and see some improvement, the sooner my husband and I can have a Date Night (or even make regular plans) and set about trying to return to some sense of normalcy in our household.
M3 had her big 6-month post-placement with the International Adoption Clinic on the 22nd. We were able to secure the letter from the doctor that will allow us to provide direct evidence to the Court regarding a change in her birthdate to a year that is more accurate for her physical, mental and intellectual levels. We truly believe her birthyear is in error on her paperwork given all we knew about her prior to the adoption and all we've learned since. It will be a relief to finally file for readoption in our county court--I have to do all that paperwork. My goal is to have it filed well before Christmas.
We had a great day with M3 on the 24th and 25th. She did well at the family Thanksgiving gathering and only had to be reminded a few times about something behavior-wise. Friday found us experiencing "Hi! I'm new here! I don't know any of your rules!" moments ALL day. Today, though, was pretty okay, so we just never know what to expect.
Adopting an older child is definitely not for the faint of heart.
She did say tonight, though, "Mom, you make my heart happy when you do my hair."
So, I'm pretty sure I can keep moving forward and trying hard to do this correctly. It's a big job.
Hello my name is Bonnie and we are trying to find families who have used Children's Home Intl. We have adopted 3 kids last year and we are just beginning the journey again hoping to adopt 2-3 more!
Anything you can tell me about them and the process would be most appreciated.
Posted by: Bonnie Schilling | January 01, 2011 at 06:49 PM
Hi, Bonnie. That is not the agency we used to adopt M3. I wish you luck & glad everything went well with you the first time that you can do it over again.
Posted by: Melinda | January 09, 2011 at 02:54 PM