5 For Hope

Monster in the Closet

We have a story we tell students taking our bar passage course.  That the bar exam is like a monster in the closet.  To be able to overcome the monster, you have to desensitize yourself to it and not let it overwhelm you.  So, you open the door, look at the monster, and close the door.  You increase the frequency and duration of the looking so that by the time the actual exam comes, your preparation has been far more scary and involved than the actual exam itself.  Then, the exam seems like a piece of cake and you pass.

Adoption is a little more complicated.  Adoption seems to be fraught with multi-layered environments with monsters on almost every level.  You have wonderful news in the form of your court date and it comes wrapped in a big, beautiful gift box.  Crack the lid, though, and there has not been one thing in that box worth keeping so far.

And, if you quickly grab the first monster you see in the box (you didn't pass...AGAIN), you'll find there is something even more complicated and icky underneath that monster.

Such is the case with us now.

Not only did our case not pass this time and will not be heard again until February 8th, but there is a paperwork issue with the orphanage that must be cleared up before our case will move forward.  Not just move forward on the 8th, but move forward period.

The early word is that this re-registration process the orphanage is engaged in will be completed "this week."  However, this assessment is given by the same guy who didn't go to our court date this week either.  His actions have not been all that trustworthy and his judgment seems a little cooky so I'm having more than a little hard time believing that "this week" actually means by close of business on Friday as it would to you and me.

And, therein lies the biggest monster of all.

You know going in to adoption that there is always a possibility that things will not pan out--not only might you not have an ending like you thought, but you may not even end up with the child you thought you were adopting.

We are one piece of paper away from having our girl declared legally ours.

And yet, here we sit.  Waiting.  No expiration date on that wait exists.  No way of independently figuring out what needs done, what has actually been done and what is still waiting to be done before the registration process is complete.

I have been spending entirely too much time with the monster.  I've been opening the door, walking in, sitting down, pouring it some coffee, hollering at it, crying over it, screaming at it, cursing its name and yet...it doesn't move.

Yesterday, I decided I'd spent enough time with that monster and I needed to shut the door.  My kids miss me.  They need their normal mom back.  Without my husband here, I can't be running off the rails every five seconds because someone on the other side of the planet suddenly realized that even though DOZENS of adoptions have been processed with things EXACTLY the way they are now, we're going to start running around and fixing something when my daughter is next in line.

So, Monster, for now, I have to bid you a fond adieu.  It doesn't mean that I don't love M3, that I'm not praying constantly for her and our adoption process, but I'm not going to allow the Monster to take up so much of my time.

I can't.

For now, I'm going to walk away from the closet and leave the door closed for a bit.  Regroup.  Pray for the 8th to be our day, but not to count on it anymore than I've counted on the past four dates.  It's waaaaay too early to try and figure out what the lesson is in all this, so I'm not. 

I'm just declaring my brain a Monster Free Zone for the foreseeable future.

Rescheduled. Again.

The news, again, is not joyous or good or even remotely interesting.

Our case has been rescheduled once again.  This time the date is February 8th.  That's 20 days from now.

Apparently, even though all our papers are allegedly in order and in the case file, not all the players showed up today.  Specifically, the Ethiopian man who oversees my daughter's orphanage couldn't be bothered to make his appearance in court today.  It's interesting to me that there appears to be no way to compel someone to appear in court or sanctions for failing to appear.  Maybe someone should look in to that.

I don't think my mood could be more foul.  Usually by this point, I am a crying, sobbing, snotty mess.  Today?  Not so much.  Today, I am a steely eyed, very angry individual.  It's probably best that today is a 'stay home' day because I fear I may not be the most polite in conversation for the foreseeable future.

Court Date #4

For those of you keeping score at home, we are closing in on our case's 4th court date.  Tomorrow, the girls and I will be home to receive the call of whether or not M3 is officially joining our family. 

I'm glad tomorrow is a holiday because it's throwing off my body's usual Sunday schedule.  I'm not sure what day it is and, because we've never had a Monday court date, I almost do keep forgetting that tomorrow is THE day...again.

I don't have time to completely fall apart and go to bed with a headache and body ache again like I did last time--too much grading and other things.  I can't start off the week having my body make me sick again.

So, we're going to try and hold it together and pretend like it doesn't devastate us to our very core if we don't pass again tomorrow. 

No. We Didn't Pass. Again.

I apologize for anyone who read this blog who isn't connected to us in some other fashion (e-mail, Facebook) because it's quite possible you might have thought, "Wow!  I bet they are whooping it up and celebrating adding M3 to the family!"

Nope.

ANOTHER delay.

Supposedly, the judge has asked for additional time to review the paperwork in the file (?!?!).

I use the word "supposedly" not because I doubt the sincerity of the person telling me this, but because I am an attorney.  I have a very low tolerance for a lack of actual knowledge.  Unless I see it with my own eyes, then I don't actually know.  At this point, I'm spent.

Once we received that news on Tuesday, I literally just fell apart.  I thought I was coming down with some horrendous, fast moving virus.  I felt horrendous.  I came home from work and from picking the kids up and put myself to bed.  I could not even get up to take my oldest to her new dance class.  I thought for sure I was super duper sick.

Nope.

I honestly think my nerves got the better of me (again) as this is not the first time this has happened to me and I recall most of these matters surround either particularly stressful deployment or adoption moments.

We are rescheduled AGAIN for this Monday, January 18th.  For those keeping score at home, this is go 'round number FOUR.  At least we didn't have to wait an entire month to be heard again.

Please pray.  M3 needs us.  I know this.  ACTUALLY know this.  So, please.  Pray that this is it.  Finally.

One More Week

Seven days once again separates us and the possibility of officially adding M3 to our family.  This wait has been agonizing for us and it is only compounded by wondering what she must be thinking and feeling--knowing she supposedly has a family coming to pick her up and not having seen those people among all the others who have come and gone, welcoming her friends into forever families.

People have said, "Wow...is it like waiting for your child to be born?"

Not at all.

When you are pregnant and nearing your due date, you know that one way or the other, that child is coming into the world and into your arms within a pretty set number of days.  You may wait a week or two on either side of when the child is expected, but your doctor is not going to tell you a due date of November, then December, then maybe January.  If a doctor did that, you'd find a new doctor.  It seems even Doctor Baker on Little House on the Prairie could be more accurate than that.

The only thing in my experience that I have to compare this to is waiting to conceive M1.  Nearly two years went by with doctors telling me there was no earthly reason they could see why we weren't having success.  Later we learned why, fixed it with some medication, and voila!  A baby.

However, in those long months of trying, it felt very much like this.  You worked very diligently doing all the right things and then waited for a day on your calendar each month.  And, there would be a test.  You would look at the results of that test and just as quickly as the phone call telling you, "Not this month", you could see you were yet again unsuccessful in your bid to add a child to your family.

No matter how many times that stupid little test only had one line, no matter how much I steeled myself against the disappointment, there remained that glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe THIS would be our month.

This, however, is much more excruciating to me.  There IS already a child.  A fully aware, very alert six-year-old child who knows about us.  She has seen our faces and received little trinkets from us, all with the promise of 'soon.' 

Still, she waits.

We all wait.

I would be lying if I said I'm just certain all the stars will align on the 12th and I'm confident our prayers will be answered.  I'd also be lying if I said just like that girl who used to buy her pregnancy tests in a two-pack (just to be certain of the result), I cannot turn my back on that glimmer of hope.  That THIS month is our month.  Please let it be so.