By the end of this week, there is the very real possibility that I will be the mother of three little girls. And, even though I've had a little more than the usual 'gestation' period to become used to the idea, it still feels very surreal. I also think about the fact that this new daughter will come with five years of experiences that even I, as an adult, cannot fathom. She is a survivor with skills and attributes that my current children, Lord willing, would never have the need to know. We have a lot to learn from each other.
I'm not sure if other very-close-to-becoming-adoptive parents have similar feelings in the days directly before their court dates because I have had similar feelings right before giving birth. It is almost like the excitement, joy, anticipation, fear, and anxiety hit a peak level and a breaker switches me to something else. I'm the same woman who, when her first daughter was overdue by doctor's estimates, still did not pack a bag for the hospital. My mother-in-law did it right before we left for the maternity ward. Although I did pack a bag for the second daughter, I was fully prepared to go home and sleep in my own bed when an induction failed to bring about labor and I was emotionally spent. It seemed perfectly logical to me that if M2 had been able to resist the slings and arrows of pitocin and cervadil, she would be able to handle a trip home for a good night's sleep. No one else agreed, however, and M2 arrived the next afternoon after receiving an eviction notice in the form of a broken bag of waters.
I have thought about this day and had very vivid dreams about all facets of this process. From paperwork to travel to the moment of meeting her to even her first day of school, her seeing her new dad for the first time and even her first boyfriend. It's insane, I know, but it's been happening.
I have watched her DVDs hundreds of times, listened to her voice, memorized her smile, and watched video upon instructional video about hair care and hairstyles. It has become my full-time, part-time job. And, it's a job I love, but one in which I constantly assess and reassess whether or not I'm up to the challenge.
And, just like when those first pains of labor started with both my current kids, I realize--the time for wondering whether I'm up for the challenge has long passed. Now it's about embracing the challenge, enjoying it and learning how to be the best mom to this child that I can be. It's going to be a delicate dance as she has a mother in this world already. A woman to whom I owe so much and to whom I will never be able to fully convey my gratitude.
I take the job of raising her child very seriously. So seriously that I will make her my own and give her everything in my heart that I give my biological kids. And, so seriously, that I will do all that with the knowledge and realization that she has a mother in this world who loves her so much that she was willing to trust enough to let her child go...trusting that someone like me would be there to take her home.
