Late this afternoon I received the phone call I'd scheduled via e-mail yesterday. It was lovely to talk to the mission director and hear more about M. and her status. Basically, she is "paper ready" meaning that her file is complete and she's ready to be matched to her forever family. The director told me that if we were to put a move on it (application and home study plus dossier paperchasing) we might even be able to have M. home before my husband deploys. MUCH would need to fall into place for that to happen, not the least of which is finding enough money up front to accomplish these tasks.
I explained to the director that the money remains a concern for us. We're trying to be realistic. She said that if we are serious about this and we can accomplish the money generating in a "reasonable time" she sees no reason why M. cannot be referred to us and her waiting child file 'locked' during this introductory phase of the process.
I cleared up all other questions and promised to be in touch.
When I hung up, my husband immediately asked me to come into the living room and discuss the contents of the conversation. He was very receptive to everything I had to say and seemed surprised and also a little pleased (for the lack of a better term) that we may be able to accomplish this even with his impending deployment.
I took M2 to gymnastics and after that hour, returned home for dinner. Once the kids were in bed, I couldn't resist the urge to ask him where his head is regarding all this new information. I said, "So...what do you think?" He replied, "I don't know, hon." and not in a "let's talk about this some more" way. It was closer to a "I'm still not ready to do this and therefore, because you have your heart set on M. and not just adopting a child in general, the conversation is closed for good."
I try not to read too much into what he's doing and saying or not doing and not saying. I also tried not to get my heart set on anyone or anything, but we see how well I did there. I suppose I should have learned by now, but for all my negativity at times, I must be an optimist at heart.
It's sometimes the hardest thing about marriage, at least our marriage, to not be able to trump decisions that involve the entire family. I suppose Dr. Phil would say that's the way it should be...if one spouse isn't okay with something that impacts the entire family, it shouldn't be done. Unfortunately, I dig a little deeper than the surface and see that my husband's decision to be in the military, even just in the ARNG, impacts our entire family in potentially permanent and devastating ways and yet, I have no say in whether or not he serves because it is his choice and of utmost importance to him. Yet, his decision to serve has greatly impacted our family and its size.
If he decides not to adopt M. and his word is final, I, ultimately, will have no recourse. While I don't think one spouse should be able to force another into making a major change in the household if the other spouse is completely opposed to it, I'm also not willing to agree 100% that it's okay for one spouse to put the kibosh on something so important to the other simply because he isn't 100% certain.
I would never dream of insisting he not serve in the Guard even though it will mean I'll be a single parent for an entire year very soon. It's part of who he is and a "calling", if you will. It's hard to admit that I'm able to sacrifice and trudge into uncertain times because I love him and his calling is important to him, but mine is, apparently, not equal.
I don't know.
I was very excited to speak to the director tonight. Now, I'm kind of feeling like I should have just stayed in bed today.
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