5 For Hope

Reason 2,315 Why Law School Was Not My Best Idea Ever...

Law School.

What possessed me?

I suppose it was something I'd always wanted to do.  When my husband was deployed earlier in our marriage, it seemed like something that was more do-able.  Even when the rug was pulled out from beneath me financially when my department chair was replaced by someone who wanted my job and, subsequently, took my job, it still seemed okay. 

I literally put the "God's will" tag on it.  Took the LSAT--God's will.  Did well and was accepted to school.  Earned scholarships.  Did well in school.  Wrote-on to law review.  Clerked for a federal judge.  Graduated in the top 20% of my class.  And, here I sit, five months after graduation and two months after the bar exam with no job.  Talk about a negative return on investment.

As if all the effort, time, etc. weren't bad enough, now the debt I'm carrying because of law school (and my lack of a job) could seriously jeopardize our plans to adopt from China.  As that is my husband's international program of choice, I've been crunching numbers to see what we can do.

We have the $50k in income fine, even with just his salary.  The $80k in assets, however, is more difficult a reach.  I'm sure if we add up all our personal property, we might be closer, but with only his income and my monstrous school debt (which, P.S., is a full 2/3 less than most people I went to school with thanks to scholarships), hitting $80,000 will be a STRETCH.

My husband had already been hem-hawing around regarding the adoption before now.  I think he likes the idea of trying for an R&R baby, but you know, I probably would to if it only required about a minute of my time.  But, it doesn't.  It requires me to take on a physical, emotional and spiritual burden I'm not sure I can bear again. 

I really want another child in this house.  In fact, truth be told, I'd like two more children in this house.  I'm not pushing my luck, though.  I'll settle with lobbying for one now.  I have the end game in mind where I think my husband is very short-sighted in his outlook.  Six years from now the Army will be in our rearview mirror and we will be looking ahead to the future as a truly civilian family. 

Ack.

I hate second guessing what my husband is thinking.  I hate attributing my perceptions of what is occurring to his actual thoughts and feelings or motivations.  I have literally prayed about this so much my head hurts.  I don't see these roadblocks as 'signs' that God wants me to abandon what I truly believe He started me thinking about in the first place.

I have to patient.  I know that.  It is so hard for me, though.  I just see the time ticking off the clock and our countdown to deployment is ridiculously fast.

Of course, I thought law school was something that was ok with the Big Guy too, but it doesn't seem like this is making any sense at all.

I almost give up.

Seriously. 

Waffling

I'm not a waffler by nature.  I'm a decider.  I know what I want and then, I go do it.  No questions asked.  I wouldn't be doing it if I weren't ready and sure.  If things untoward happen, well, then it's time to shift gears and drive on.

International adoption doesn't quite work like that...especially if the decider in you is being difficult.

We still are between China's Waiting Child (special need) program and Ethiopia.  The two are not interchangeable.  We must decide BEFORE we proceed what we're doing, where we're going and what agency we're choosing.  Of course, I have the path lined out on BOTH options.  All we need to do is pull the trigger.

The girls and I had a family meeting last night and neither, of course, expressed a real preference for either avenue to getting a new sister.  They just jumped into the whole "let's rearrange our rooms and make room" and who was going to sleep where.  I didn't expect a lot of help from a 5 or 9 year old, but you know what?  Sometimes, in their children's simplicity, they take complexity out at the knees.  Maybe something profound will be forthcoming, but so far, not so much.

My husband and I are definitely torn and with the impending deployment, he's pulled in 100 different directions.

I have an e-mail out now to the Waiting Child coordinator of the agency we are most interested in using if we go through China.  I'm asking her for insight, especially if military families they have worked with faced similar circumstances.  I'm sure she's way busy and she may not even answer me (given that we have filed NOTHING with this agency) even though we have used some of her agency's services to show we're serious.  In a week's time, I've garnered over 3 hours of the requires 10 of Hague training.

Argh.