Not off beat in the sense of being weird or extraordinary, mind you, but off beat in that it is out of synch.
Over a week ago, before I realized our assets were not hefty enough for China's liking, I'd e-mailed the Waiting Child coordinator with our top agency choice. I explained my husband's impending deployment, etc., and asked what she suggested we do in regard to our proposed timeline.
She replied to my e-mail today and, according to the information she provided, it appears if our assets were in order, we'd be able to do this even with my husband being half way around the planet. Technology and Powers of Attorney are marvelous things.
I had to reply to her e-mail with the news that law school debt has trumped our desire to adopt. I made it clear we aren't giving up nor are we abandoning our plans. I also explained that I am trying to organize our finances in a way that I can keep tabs on them as we go and, when we hit the magic number, we can send in our preliminary paperwork.
I wonder if I'll hear from her?
The adoption coordinator for the Ethiopian program I'd e-mailed (who, last time e-mailed me the very next day) has not replied to my most recent e-mail regarding one little girl in particular and what we may be able to do given my husband's deployment status and our continued interest in Ethiopia. Well, MY continued interest, but I'm kind of driving this train at the moment anyway.
I have to say this whole disappointing early experience has been disheartening. I know I need to get a tougher skin so I don't lose it during this process. I think not having a job right now and being at home with the computer on-line 24/7 doesn't help matters. I'm not sure what I'm waiting on anyway. I mean, part of me thinks there will be a magic e-mail in my box from someone (God?) telling me what to do and helping me stem the tide of overwhelming emotions and feelings of helplessness. I WANT to be doing something more than I am, but at the moment, my efforts are being squelched.
I think if I could be working on sewing this doll for our sponsorship child in Ethiopia, I'd feel more productive. I want to get the show on the road, but with my husband here to give me the tutorial on my own sewing machine, I'm incapable of working on it alone. I'm scared I'll gum up the machine to the point that even when he does come home, it will be unuseable. It's possible. I don't have a good track record with sewing machines, after all.
Reality should tell me that this journey is suspended indefinitely. My heart, however, isn't listening. Much like that pang I felt when trying to conceive my oldest daughter, this one won't go away even though, technically, I know there is nothing anyone can do to help make this process any easier, faster or forthcoming.
Ugh.
Just ugh.
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