5 For Hope

Impatient

I realize patience is a virtue.  I guess I'm not that virtuous.

I'm dying to e-mail a contact I've made regarding Ethiopian adoption and pick her brain as to the feasibility of us completing the major paperwork and dossier collection prior to my husband's deployment.  I want to ask her about the feasibility of being put in a line of people waiting to adopt and, if we receive a referral while he's gone, the possibility/prudence of me traveling to Ethiopia to collect our daughter and bring her home. 

Knowing how important bonding and attachment is, I can't imagine not having everyone under one roof when a child comes home being a good idea.  Maybe I'm missing something?

The China special needs program still appeals to me too.  I'm torn.  My husband is torn.

My youngest daughter, however, is NOT.

She's already talking about how she wants to rearrange her room to make space for a new sister.

She told me last night she wants the sister to be younger than her so that she can do the teaching.  She's done learning, she says, as she "already knows it." 

I asked her in an off-hand way if, when her new sister comes to live with us, it would bother her if her new sister looked different than the rest of us.  "What if you new sister has much darker skin and hair than you?"  I asked.  "Would that bother you?"

She looked at me as if to say, 'Geez, Mom, I thought you were the smart one' and then answerwed, "Uh, NO." in that 'what is the matter with you, woman?!' way she has perfected.

Why can't something just be easy for us once in awhile?

If we were to receive a referral while my husband is deployed, I can't think of one person on God's green earth who would travel to Ethiopia OR China with me...that's kind of sad, isn't it?

A Person Should Know Better

So much has happened over the past week,  it's hard to fathom.  I couldn't blog about it, even though this blog has remained under the radar, because it's against my policy to take a chance that way.  Now that things have showed up in writing, however, I feel a little more comfortable writing about them.

First, when I returned from my trip last weekend, my husband told me that the expected deployment with his National Guard troop in 2010 had been changed.  Nothing was set in stone for 2010, we knew, but I didn't imagine if something were to change it would be like this.

Now, my husband is set to deploy this May.  That means he will likely be gone for all intent and purposes in March.  He will be gone for at least a year.  I'm sure you can see where this is going.

We either rush, rush, rush through all the decisions so we can submit some kind of paperwork prior to his leaving or we tread water until it's too late and perhaps try to have an R&R baby from scratch.  Neither of these options appeal to me much.

I am still very interested in China.  I'm also interested in Ethiopia.  We had our meeting today with the regional director of the agency we would likely go with should we choose China.  She was lovely as was her husband and she answered a lot of our questions.  She also offered to help us in doing whatever we'd like to do--even if that means we decide on Ethiopia.  She was still willing to help us with answering any questions she could regarding international adoption.

My problem is multi-layered.

China:  All indications from the rumor sites are that the current backlog and slow down in China referrals will not be whittled away any time soon.  In fact, one site estimates that if we have a log-in date in China in March of next year, we wouldn't receive a referral until 2017 if we go the non-special needs route.  I find that extremely difficult to believe, but then I look at those who were logged in back in early 2006 who are STILL waiting for a referral and know anything is possible.

If we go the special needs route, we could receive a referral more quickly, possibly, but that could lead to problems in a few respects.  If my husband isn't home when the referral comes and I have to make major decisions and travel on my own...not good.  Not to mention the bonding and attachment that is so important in those early months.  I need for everyone who will be in this child's immediate circle to be present and accounted for when that child arrives home.

Ethiopia:  Again, this route looks to be the super fastest.  I have contacted several individuals who work in Ethiopia on a small-scale and I'm sure that within a year's time we could be on our way to collect our child.  My husband, however, won't be home until the Spring 2010 at best.  We could be twisting in the wind waiting or, if we work with the right agency, we could receive a referral soon after he arrives home.  (The 'wrinkles' discussed in the previous post remain, however, and I'm still not sure the family would deal well with the diversity.)

Herein lies the bigger issue.  I'm not completely naive.  Although my husband has been deployed overseas before, he has not been to the sandbox.  He could be injured or worse.  He could come home physically fine, but emotionally harmed.  He could suffer from PTSD or other types of sensory issues that would be difficult to deal with and even harder to cope with should a new child be on the horizon.  It's hard for me in good conscience to proceed with an adoption or even a homegrown child not knowing what to expect from my husband when he comes home again. 

I have a general idea of the potential types of missions and duties my husband will be conducting on his deployment.  The likelihood of after effects is great.  Not only will my husband need time to reintegrate, our children will likely not smoothly slide him back into the family as they did last time.  When he previously deployed, the girls were 1 and 5.  Now, they are 5 and 9.  Physically, it will be easier on us to be without Daddy, but emotionally, I expect MUCH more turmoil this go 'round.  It is highly possible that the atmosphere in this home in the next two years will be volatile. 

It is just as likely, though, that we may scrape by with only a few bumps.  I'm not sure how, in this situation, to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

I have been praying about this a great deal.  I don't feel like all hope is lost or that the arrival of this deployment news is a sign from God that what I thought about the validity of my adoption desires was in error.   

It certainly feels like this has become a waiting game already or, at the very least, a holding pattern.  Unfortunately for us, time continues to pass whether we want it to or not and, by the time we reach a decision, it may very well be too late to matter.

Once again, the Army inserts itself into my life far further than I would allow it to if I had a choice.

Of Timelines and Predictions

Lots of adoption blogs are aimed specifically at one family or a particular group's journey to their specific child.  Others have garnered some attention as a melting pot and gathering place for rumors and predictions and speculations regarding timelines, analysis, and such.

I'm not all that great in math.  However, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the referrals from China for adoptions has slowed down considerably.  Many families have pulled their packets, others are abandoning the process before they begin and some are into their third year of the process.

Talking about the adoption has slowed down here now that school has started and the household is buzzing with activity.  The other reason is likely because anything we discuss now is likely conjecture.  Now that we have a date certain on the calendar for our meeting with a prospective agency, we are compiling questions for that day.

Although the wait for a special needs list child is also a little longer than usual, it certainly isn't three years.  I believe that this is the way we will end up going and yet, I'm sure it will require more of a learning curve on my husband's part.  Of course, if we have a child home before he deploys again and I am the one left to deal with any medical fallout, would it really be fair to put the kibosh on things?

I'm still cautiously excited about the whole idea. 

I know China is still at the top of my husband's list (and mine, for that matter), but I'm also very attracted to Ethiopia and its program.  The cost is similar, there is the option to have your child escorted to the States (which I likely wouldn't do), the referral time is more along the lines of China's previous referral times, the children are healthy and beautiful and without parents to love them.  It breaks my heart.

I doubt, however, that my husband would be as agreeable to an adoption from Ethiopia.  It's sad to say, but even in the very diverse area in which we live, our hometown is decidedly NOT diverse.  Transracial adoption carries extra wrinkles that other adoptions don't.  I'm not sure how our extended families would do with those extra wrinkles, but given what I know about a lot of them, they probably wouldn't deal well.  Because an adoption doesn't happen in isolation, a wider circle has to be taken into account.

Oh!  I almost forgot.  For the first time in my life, I rescinded a contract within the 3-day window.  No new Florida room for us.  We're doing something else that won't hurt us financially (I hope).

Good Grief.

I likely just watched any hope of being found financially sound enough to adopt walk out my front door.  We have an atrocious "Florida room" on the back of our house that is horrendously ugly and completely non-functional.  We have talked for YEARS about putting a new one on, but never went further than that.

This past Friday (when I was in the funk thinking we had nixed adoption plans) I took my oldest to the mall to have her ears pierced and picked up some information about sunrooms.  If I scheduled a free estimate, we would get $2000 taken off the price if we were to schedule the work.  I made the appointment.  It happened tonight.

Contingent upon financing coming through, we have committed to putting a new sunroom on the back of our house.  I don't really know how I feel about that.  I'm not working right now, so I didn't feel like I could have an equal say--even though my husband says I do.  I could tell he was psyched about it.  I knew he wanted to do it...so we are.

It is a lot of money.  Monthly payment wise we can do it, but the total amount will surely count as a liability against our assets.  We're also then basically saying we're staying in this house for awhile because otherwise it won't pay itself off by the time we move.  I'd much rather have a new kitchen than a new sunroom, but that's me.

I also would have much rather waited to do this until we spoke with the adoption agency's regional director to see how close we are to the financial requirements.  Without me having a job, we're going to be nowhere close given this new obligation.  I'd like to think I'll have a real job soon, but so far, no bites.

I'll have to play around with numbers tomorrow to see what it is we've done.  I'm sure I'll like the new room, but not if it costs me this opportunity to adopt.  I know, I know.  If I want a third child, I can do it the old-fashioned way too...but that won't help me in my job search or employment either.

I don't like being a grown-up.

First Steps

This month is so busy.  Usually, weekends are a time to catch up on household things like laundry, grocery shopping, etc.  This month, I'll need to try and do those things during the week (maybe not being employed isn't so bad?) because the weekends are so atypical.

This weekend, I'm traveling.  Next weeknd, my husband has guard duty.  The weekend after that, I'm traveling again.  That meant to schedule anything solid with our prospective agency's regional director, we had to set a date for the end of the month.  Sunday the 28th we will be meeting the regional director to ask all the questions I've been cataloging in my notebook. 

It's difficult because I've been reading quite a bit about adopting from China.  There are people who just today received the referrals for their children.  They will travel either next month or in November to pick them up.  The packets of information for this set of adoptive parents was "logged in" in early February of 2006.  That's nearly three years ago.  It makes the sense of urgency to begin this process even more real, but it also shines a light onto the reality of just what a lengthy and drawn out process this could be with no guarantees of having a child at the end.

I'm looking forward to asking lots of questions and I liked that the regional director invited me to shoot her questions via e-mail in the meantime, even noting that she remembered what it felt like when she began the process and how September 28th would have seemed 'too long' to wait for her.  I was thinking that in my mind, so it was nice to hear her say what I was thinking.

I'm not sure what will happen once this meeting occurs.  We may need to have a family meeting with the girls about it.  The girls are so impressionable and at such an odd age to be having such a serious discussion.  I think our oldest would be able to give us a carefully thought out analysis of the pros and cons, but the youngest?  She'll change her mind a bazillion times about what to name a doll baby let alone her opinion on whether or not she thinks a new sister forever and ever would be a good idea.  The oldest doesn't like to rock the boat, though, so if she senses that it's what Mom and Dad think is a good idea, she'll likely be agreeable and then honest later.

I do worry about the extended family sometimes...probably too much.  I tried to imagine over the weekend when we visited family what it would be like if a new addition from China were added to the mix.  I had to be honest that some of the people in attendance might not be there and that made me sad.  But, as I discussed with my husband, I'm looking even further ahead than when a new arrival would come.  I'm thinking past when my husband retires from the military and I'm settled in a job of some kind.  I don't feel our family is complete yet and international adoption has always been something in my heart.  I have had some nagging thoughts in my mind, but then I read more or investigat more and my resolved is shored up again.

I know we have a long way to go, but making this first appointment feels like a step in the right direction.