5 For Hope

Almost September

My husband surprised me the yesterday (especially given the near epic implosion that was earlier this week) by mentioning in an off-hand way that he thought passports were only good for 10 years.

I gave him a confused look and said, "So?"

He responded by telling me that he thought it would make things go much more smoothly if all our paperwork were up-to-date and current when we start putting it together for an adoption application.

This was kind of a shocker to me to say the least because I honestly listened to what he had to say the other night and thought he was putting the kibosh on the entire thing.  Either I need to clean out my ears or he needs to be more clear.  Maybe both things are in order.

He also saw the application packet from the Chinese-only adoption agency I had reuested information from and said, "Wow.  You haven't even opened that yet?  I never thought you'd wait for me to be home before you opened it."  I had almost tossed it in the trash out of anger and frustration, but couldn't do it.  A couple other packets DID bite the dust, though, so hopefully we will find we didn't need them anyhow.

I have a notebook in which I am going to write out all our questions regarding the adoption process so we can toss them out at a meeting with the regional director for the adoption agency I'm most attracted to using.

I like this particular agency because they only do Chinese adoption (and, honestly, I think that's the only place my husband is interested in for some reason) and they have a stand-alone office in Beijing.  I like that there are people on the ground in the capital city to keep their ears open and be a resource while we endure what promises to be an excruciatingly long wait. 

My husband and I are also talking about the possibility of putting ourselves on the Special Needs list rather than the Non-Special Needs list when we apply formally.  A child with a birthmark (that may be lightened or removed completely) are considered special needs in China.  A healthy child who reaches her 4th birthday is considered special need too.  Because we aren't married to the idea of adopting an infant, the idea of an "older" child who may have a slight imperfection in the eyes of the Chinese government doesn't bother us...especially if the wait for that child is as much as half of that of a supposedly 'perfect' child. 

I don't even have a problem with children with cleft palates and such because tending to that surgically is possible--my only concern would be something happening to her before we could get there or her surgery could occur.  My husband, however, doesn't know enough about it to be comfortable in putting a check in that box on the form.  I'm going to conduct some research, though, and see if I can fill in the information gaps so he can feel comfortable and make an informed decision one way or the other.

We also have to do a major overhaul on our house.  Cleaning, decluttering, reorganizing.  It's been needed for awhile, but this is as good a motivation as I've found.  Once I'm able to land a job (waiting for licensure results is a pain!), we can even consider whether or not we wish to move.  The real estate market is so ridiculous right now, but we've done lots of nice things to our place.  We've lived here almost ten years.  What it will likely come down to is whether we'll need the equity in the house to account for our "assets" for the application and whether we may need to use the equity in the house for part of the adoption fees.  It would be nice to move to a four-bedroom home so everyone would have their own rooms off the bat, but I have some ideas that could make things work until that's possible.

Obviously, a trip to our accountant is in order.  We need to figure out what our financial reality is in light of our adoption plans.  From my limited information, it seems likely we can use where we are now to submit our paperwork and then, during our wait for the referral, we can look for another house and have this one on the market.  If we are lucky enough to sell this place and move into a new home, we can pay for a new/revised home study based on that change in address.  Because the move would be an upgrade, I would not think it would be a detriment to our process.  It's a question that's going in the notebook, though!

Patience is not something I'm really great at, but motherhood has made me more so.  I think I'll feel more settled once we've actually started the process.  I'll feel great when everything is submitted to China and logged in such that there is a date assigned our dossier packet.  The wait after that will be long, but with two children I know I'll be able to keep myself occupied.  I'm pretty sure I'll feel better once we get this show on the road.

Glad This Day is Over

What an awful day it has been.

Last night, my husband and I were watching a video on-line of a family picking up their adopted child in Ethiopia.  My husband seemed spooked once the video was over when he realized that Ethiopia had a quicker referral time than China (which we have been researching) and that I had begun to look in to Ethiopia as he had expressed concern over China 'taking a long time.'

Although he doesn't admit it at the moment, he did say that he wasn't sure about this entire idea or even that he's sure he wants to have more kids.

What?

I'm sorry.  Could you repeat that for those of us who didn't realize you'd been snatched by aliens and replaced by a total stranger?

Today was a horrible day.

I cried.  A lot.  In speaking with friends who knew of my plans and ideas on adopting, I could not hide my disappointment.  I even ended up talking to my mom about it because I no longer felt I had nothing to keep as a surprise or hide.  My mom likes it when things go according to plan and if you're going to rock the boat, she likes it if you have all your ducks in a row.  I don't have nearly enough information to make this idea not seem scary and too much for her. 

"Why can't you just enjoy the children you have?"

I do enjoy the children I have.  This enjoyment is precisely why I am at the point where I realize my family is not complete and that we could enfold another person into our household and our family and be better for it.

Aside from taking my daughter to do something she really wanted to do today, I didn't leave the house.  I also didn't have any coffee today...maybe that's my problem?  I didn't answer my husband's text messages.  It was just too much. 

He arrived home from work completely flummaxed (is that a word?) by my dismal mood.  We went to dinner and then tucked our youngest into bed.  He finally asked what was going on and I told him how I felt about his statements last night.  It seemed so clear last night that he had been humoring me and figuring my excitement and interest would dim long before he had to make any kind of real decision.  He denied that and said that although he isn't ready to file an application now, he's interested in finding out more about China, adopting a new daughter from there and having our questions answered.

Part of me thinks those answers won't be agreeable to him (too long of a time frame in his mind) and other countries won't present an acceptable option to him.  I'm cynical.  I can't help it.  If it doesn't turn out like that, I'll be very surprised.  I don't typically like surprises, but in this case, I might.

An Inaugural Post

Not quite sure how to even begin or even if it matters given that this blog will not likely be found and I'm not publicizing it.

I needed somewhere to record my thoughts.  Notebooks are too cumbersome.  Computer files are vulnerable to being lost.  At least when I'm working on posting here, I could actually appear to be doing work or posting on my other "real" blogs. 

I have a great family and two terrific daughters.  I never imagined I would only have two kids.  I always thought three or four would be a good number.  Life steps in sometimes, though.  Relationships begin and end.  Decisions are made and the consequences of those choices sometimes create circumstances requiring shifting in expectations and plans.

Before you know it, you're on the backside of 30 and realizing that although you want more kids in your home, you may not be ready or able to do the whole pregnancy, labor and delivery, newborn thing again. 

So, you pray.  And you wait for word.  You ask for guidance and rather than a thunderbolt, God sends an excavating team.  You find yourself thinking and spending a lot of your quiet time turning things over in your mind.  Almost as if your thoughts are a boulder turning over and over, pieces and parts chip away and you're left with a smoother, shinier, more pure thought.  You realize quickly that this thought was planted long ago and since covered by circumstance.

You remember that long ago you told yourself that someday when you found yourself in a stable, grown-up relationship with the means to make it happen, you would adopt a child.  You reconsidered this thought during the two years it took you to conceive your first child.  You had no time to contemplate it prior to your second.  Now, though, you find yourself thinking about it again because you realize that even with your two, great kids already on the planet, there is another child out there...waiting on you.

You mention these thoughts to your husband and when he shows slight interest, you seize that interest and run.

That's where I find myself now.  Reading everything I can get my hands on.  Surfing the internet.  Requesting information.  Reading adoption blogs.  Talking to people I know who have adopted.  Realizing that my first choice of China could be a wait longer than my husband could tolerate.  Finding myself drawn to the faces of children in Ethiopia...particularly to one little girl who is a world away and likely already chosen by a family whose paperwork is submitted, whose home approved, and who is anxiously awaiting a referral (a match to a child).

This isn't a decision we will make lightly.  This isn't a decision I will talk to my extended family about unless and until I have more ducks in a row.  I need a plan.  I need to check things off a list to feel like I'm more settled.  I know in the cycle of adoption I'm well on my way to 'needing' to do this where I'm not even sure my husband has fully arrived in the 'want' arena. 

I'm not sure why I am so fixated on this idea now.  I haven't a clue why there is this pounding sense of urgency when I think about it.  I can't understand why I think about it all the time and feel agitated if someone tries to distract me from thinking about it, researching it or dreaming about it.  It's weird.

The only thing I can attribute all that to is that it's like I've recovered something precious after it's been misplaced.  I feel like I'm trying to make up for lost time.  It feels as if this realization that adoption has been on my heart since I was 16 has sparked an all-consuming desire to have all my questions answered and to shove away from the shore and start moving toward finding the child who would fit into our family.

Will that happen?  I don't know.

I plan to document the process here...maybe someday this blog will go public.  Until then, maybe it will serve its purpose of helping me organize my thoughts and feelings...