5 For Hope

Patience Is A Virtue

I would like to think of myself as a virtuous person, however, I believe one of the lessons God would like me to learn through this adoption is PATIENCE.  I'm just not very good at it.  I prefer to be a mover and a shaker.  I like to know where I stand.  I appreciate hard deadlines.  My profession thrives on rules, timeliness and statutes of limitation.  This whole wishy-washy, maybe/maybe not, "it depends" kind of scenario reminds me too much of law school--no answers, just a bunch of questions.

I e-mailed our agency yesterday.  First, I thanked them for the amazing video footage they passed along to me from one of my daughter's recent visitors.  It is almost three minutes of the most precious little person--M3 has a wonderful spirit and it really shines through in the video.  I have watched it a million times and can finally do so without crying.  I do, however, enjoy showing it to anyone and everyone and watching THEM cry.  Makes me realize that I'm not only seeing her through a mother's eyes (although there is nothing wrong with that) and that there is, indeed, something very precious going on in her teeny self.

The other reason for my e-mail was to ask our case manager if she thought it is time to 'call it.'  And, by that I mean, to determine that it is too late in the game for us to have a confirmed Embassy date of March 30th.  If it is our date, we'd be leaving March 27th (next Saturday!) for Ethiopia.  I already have accommodations booked and the trip ticketed.  I have trip insurance on both.  I figured we were WAY too close to the actual date (a week out!?) for the Embassy to confirm it now.

However, our case manager said she has no reason as it stands now to think we still aren't in the running for the March 30th date and that today or tomorrow a confirmation could come.

That would be fantastic!

That would also freak me out very much.

My husband has returned to the States from his deployment to Iraq.  I am extremely thankful for that.  Trust me when I say that as a wife, you run through every possible scenario, good and bad, when your husband is that far away doing what he does.  I am relieved beyond measure to have him only three hours from our home.  He will be finished with his out processing procedure this weekend and home to us early in the coming week.  He will have next to zero downtime and I know that means I'm taking on the lion's share of preparing for this trip.

Part of me knows I can do this.  The other part of me as prevented the whole me from jumping into packing and preparing with both feet.  It's almost like putting the cart before the horse still.  I have the cart and I know the horse is right there too, but I feel like if I'm packed for this trip too soon, it won't happen.

I KNOW THAT IS DUMB!

I also know, though, that I have things I want to do for my husband's homecoming that I have to check off my list first.  I have a list of things I need to do for my mother, who is kind enough to once again stand in the gap and take care of our girls while we are away.  I also have a list of pre-travel things (everything from prescriptions to gifts to clothes packing to snack packing) that need to happen before we go.  Again, we aren't going somewhere like anywhere we've ever been.  Forget something and you're more than likely doing without it for a week.

I do know one thing:  I wanted to climb through my TV screen while watching that DVD of my daughter, take her in my arms and climb right back into my living room.  I have to remain focused on that.  As long as that is the end result of our trip to Ethiopia, it was a good trip.

I hope you'll stay tuned.  This is about to become very interesting, I think.

Still Digging, But Feeling Better

I spent a bit of time over the past couple of days sending out e-mail to anyone and everyone I thought might have a handle on what the latest State Department bulletin meant, in general and specifically to us.  People were very quick and thorough in their responses and it is safe to make a few conclusions.

First, this bulletin, although it appears to be generic and widespread in its ramifications, will really only mean inordinate waiting for some.  It seems as if a few agencies have had complaints filed against them by parents who are suspicious about their children's social histories.  Couple that with the crisis in Haiti and the "news" reports lambasting trans-racial adoptions and/or the Ethiopian adoption programs and you have a brewing firestorm.

Second, our agency is not one of those allegedly in question.

Third, our tentative date of March 30th for an Embassy appointment is still possible.  We learned that those with a March 16th date (which means they will travel this weekend) only had this date confirmed for them in the last week of February.  We also learned that our agency's Ethiopian representative hopes to receive more clarification from the Embassy this week.

Fourth, given the above, scheduling travel now is not out of the question as long as proper insurance coverage is in place.

It is a relief in many ways, but it comes with its own panic button.  If all holds, we could be leaving the country in 18 days to meet our daughter.  I'm thrilled by that, but also freaked out by all that has to happen between now and then--including the homecoming of my husband after his Iraq deployment.

March will definitely go 'out like a lion' for us, it seems.

I will update more frequently as information becomes available.  Thanks for hanging in with us!

Over the Show

I'm going to venture a guess that the particulars of this announcement are why we have yet to have a confirmed Embassy date.  We knew the general, but that was a month ago.  Now, the State Department has finally released an official statement on what it is they are doing.  In pertinent part, it reads (with my highlights for emphasis):

Adoption Notice

U.S. DEPARTMENT OF STATE
Bureau of Consular Affairs
Office of Children’s Issues

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Change in Processing Timeline for Adoption Cases

 

March 5, 2010

 

The Department of State shares families’ concerns about recent media reports alleging direct recruitment of children from birth parents by adoption service providers or their employees.  In response to these reports, the U.S. Embassy in Addis Ababa has implemented some changes to adoption visa processing.  Adoptive parents should be aware that an I-604 (Determination on Child for Adoption, sometimes referred to as “orphan investigation”) must be completed in connection with every I-600 application.  Depending on the circumstances of the case, this investigation may take up to several weeks or even months to complete.  Therefore, adoptive parents should not plan to travel to Ethiopia until they have confirmed with their adoption agency that their visa interview appointment has been confirmed.

 

Adoption agencies submit case paperwork to the U.S. Embassy for review  before the Embassy schedules the immigrant visa appointment.  In some cases the I-604 determination could take several weeks or more from the time a case is submitted to the U.S. Embassy to the scheduling of a visa interview appointment.  We understand that in such cases this will result in a longer period before parents are able to bring their adopted children to the U.S.  However, this additional scrutiny is required to ensure that the adoption is legal under both U.S. and Ethiopian law.  The U.S. Embassy will work with adoptive parents and their adoption agency to ensure that each case is processed in the most expeditious manner possible in accordance laws and regulations.  Families should continue to work through their agency to schedule immigrant visa appointments and answer questions regarding pending cases.  

 

If families have concerns about their adoption, we ask that they share this information with the Embassy, particularly if it involves possible fraud or misconduct specific to your child’s case.  The Embassy takes all allegations of fraud or misconduct seriously. 

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How do I say this diplomatically? 

I call B.S.

Given that we passed court February 8th and we have yet to have our date confirmed, I'm guessing we're into the "several weeks" and hopefully not the "several months" category.  And, even with the gut feeling of our adoption agency and its representatives that our Embassy date will still be the 30th, I'm losing any hope of that the further into March we lumber.

I do not understand what it is the State Department is hoping to accomplish by doing this.  I know what they say they are doing and what those parents who suddenly develop a concern and suspicion of international adoption are saying (funny how all those people already have their kids home), but my question is--what does this mean?

If we believe that all this represents is one, final fail safe before a child is allowed to enter the United States as the child of United States citizens, then we must also ask, "What happens if there is a failure, even after months, to satisfy the threshold of the State Department?"  I don't even know what that threshold is, but it makes me wonder nonetheless.

If a child's file doesn't meet that threshold, then what happens to the child?  the family?  the adoption?

If it is purported to be more than another set of hoops to jump and that this is actually trying to accomplish something, then it would follow that for all the positive outcomes (American citizens can finally go retrieve the children they have worked so hard to bring home), there will be some negative ones (children for whom the threshold will not be met).  Then what?

At that point, the Ethiopian court's final order will likely still stand.  Some American family is considered under Ethiopian law to be the parents of a child.  But, the American government won't recognize that order and will not grant the child a Visa to enter the country.  Then what?  Pretend for one, unfathomable moment, that the parents take this lying down and decided, "Okay.  Well, if that child isn't available for adoption, we will try again."  I doubt the Ethiopian system would look favorably on a family who left their child and never came to take him/her home.  Good luck with that one.

This would end in limbo.  A limbo in which I doubt anyone really wants to participate, especially because an outcome is hard to determine.  Which leads me back to the original question--is this for show or are we really going to start takesies backsies with these children?

I think if there is a question to the legitimacy of how children end up in care in Ethiopia, it needs to be handled on the front end.  For our daughter, for instance, there is no home to return to per se and as far as the government is concerned, she belongs to us.  I'm sure with all that paperwork in place, I could go to Ethiopia tomorrow and make arrangements to see my child.  If I could arrange my own Visa status, I could likely remain there until her Embassy appointment--if only we knew when/if it were forthcoming.

I am just frustrated beyond measure.  There is only so much that can be shoveled into your face that you can blithely choke down.  Eventually, you gag and sputter and start resisting the line you're being asked to swallow.

If, at this point, there is a scintilla of a chance that our daughter may end up being deemed 'unadoptable' after she's already been adopted...I do not even WANT to imagine what that means to her life after that.  Or mine.  Or whomever will be answering the phone, fielding my visits or trying to figure out a way to leave their house with me on their front lawn.  Seriously.  I'm very, very over this.

It's March

We haven't updated in awhile, so let me try and catch everyone up and preview some upcoming things. 

• Today I completed the required travel call with the international director of our adoption agency.  It was a good call and not confusing (much).  My only problem was that I had reviewed all the advice, materials and presentations a long time ago when I thought my husband wouldn't be available to travel with me.  I had organized all my paperwork needs with that in mind.  I had committed so much of that information to memory.  Today was a lot of untangling and unraveling thoughts and expectations of how each step would go.

• I have a good lead on a travel agent to use for our trip.  I'm planning to call her tomorrow and discuss booking the flights.  Even though our Embassy date has not been confirmed, it is almost 90% certain.  I hate to wait much longer.  I also don't see how this new procedure is going to work if we aren't confirmed by the end of this week.  It seems like the change will be a disadvantage to parents trying to plan a trip and not have to pay for booking late.

• M3 was visited over the past week by the director of the NGO that funded her orphanage.  The director had a chance to tell M3 in language she could understand that we are COMING SOON.  She also delivered a small gift package from us, took photos and reported that M3 did not seem sick at all.  I'm relieved for that.  I'd been worried.

• I am composing a list of must-do items that require others' assistance.  Things like securing prescriptions for certain things, working out childcare back-up, etc.  It's going to be interesting to be sure.  The next few weeks will likely go by in a blur.

It won't be long and we will be on our way to meet our daughter.  I had a very surreal experience this past Sunday when I attended a meeting for to-be pre-K and Kindergarten parents at my daughters' school.  It was odd to sit there and realize--I really don't know if my daughter's birthdate is accurate.  I don't have any of the paperwork required to register her for school.  I have no idea if/when she will be ready for school or even the screening for school.  I'm clueless as to what class or schedule she would benefit from or like.  It was overwhelming.

By this point of life with my first two daughters, I might not always know the answers, but I knew them well enough to give it an educated guess.  With M3?  Not so much!  The learning curve on something like this must be record setting.  I hope we can both be patient and flexible with each other.  She may need to be very tolerant of my absolute paralysis over wanting to get things right.  I know that's goofy and I won't be right all the time, but I hope my attempting to figure out who she is and to help her figure that out too will work.

This weekend is our school's open house where open registration takes place.  I will be handing in papers with lots of white space, I'm sure.  The registrar will likely want to ship me to another school once this is underway!  Oh, well.  Once everyone meets M3 and she becomes a vibrant and integral part of that school, they will look back fondly on these early fumbling attempts by her mother to complete her paperwork...I hope!

Wishing Away Time

I have heard from a few folks who are readers of 5 for Hope, but not a part of the Facebook community that they would like to see a photo of M3.

I usually don't post current photos of my girls on the internet and the same goes for M3.  This one is from summertime, but I love it because it shows her beautiful features, fetching smile and bright eyes.

Unfortunately, M3 is not feeling herself since making the move to the foster care center and the latest photos of her show us a not-so-snappy eyed child.  Her eyes are watery, her nose runny and from reports from recently traveling families, her breathing is labored and she has been running a fever. 

It sounds like she has a respiratory infection of some kind which, of course, makes me nervous.  M2 has had her fair share of respiratory issues and I do NOT mess around with those at all.  I have a protocol around the house for such times and I only wish I were within hugging distance so I could do the same for M3.  I am applying pressure where I can--on our agency to make sure the representatives in Ethiopia are keeping us updated, providing M3 with the medication and medical care she needs, and telling our daughter that we will be there as soon as we can.

Of course, we don't know when that is.  The day after we passed court, the Embassy changed the way in which it schedules and issues dates for Embassy appointments.  That means, our agency is unable to tell us exactly when we will travel.  And, our probable date of a March 30th embassy appointment has become less likely.  We've been told to prepare for an April 13th Embassy date.  That seems like an excruciatingly long time to wait to go scoop her up--especially when I know she is sick. 

I didn't think it was possible to wish away time in a more fervent way than I do at the end of a deployment cycle, but it IS.  I realize I need to start preparing to travel now because once my husband arrives home, it will be a whirlwind of reunification, assimilation and all kinds of other things that will suck up attention and time.  But, he is as anxious as I am to go meet our daughter and for that, I'm really grateful.

Filling in Information Gaps

Today, we received an e-mail with M3's current measurements.  Thank goodness for the internet and its plethora of sites useful for converting metric measurements to our commonly used measurements.  And, even further, the sites that convert those measurements to kids' clothing sizes.  It looks like our girl will wear a size 4 (no 'T') and if no straight 4's are available, a 5 would likely do fine.

I found this really interesting and it makes me wonder if, in fact, M3 is the age she is purported to be.  At first I thought it was possible that she could be that size if she were born and raised in America.  But, she'd be a very teeny nearly seven-year-old, I suppose.  What I know about kids in Ethiopia is that their growth is not typically that close to their American siblings' growth chart milestones.  I think we could be in for a very interesting time of evaluating M3's chronological age once she is home.  I love a good mystery even if I'm not so crazy about surprises.

This news was fantastic and much welcome!

But, as most things I've noticed about adoption, just when you think you've filled in all kinds of information gaps, new gaps take their place.

I have made many connections in the adoption world since beginning down this road.  Some just vicariously through their blogs--I lurk or even comment, but rarely make personal contact, while others have included exchanged e-mail, Facebook friending or even phone calls.  And, the one thing I have concentrated on from the beginning?  Planning that huge trip.

The day after we passed court, we learned that the way Embassy date confirmations come down has been changed.  This change prevents us from being given a solid date the week following passing court.  And, our caseworker has no idea when we will learn the actual date of our travel and how much lead time we will actually have.

You can see how this, especially for someone like me, is unsettling.

We had been told we'd probably travel for the March 30th Embassy date when we passed court.  However, within a day, the Embassy announced the change and things were in the air.  Today, I learned that we may not travel until the April 13th date. 

Things being pushed out later isn't the happiest.  However, with all we have going on at the end of March, it may go by in a blur.  And, much to my husband's dismay, it would also provide him more of an opportunity for hands-on preparation for our trip. 

We'll just have to practice being flexible and go with the flow kind of people.  At least M3 KNOWS without a doubt that Mommy and Daddy are coming!  Hang in there, baby girl!!  We will be there SOON!!

Words Fail

It is FINALLY time that I can say this not only as something I know in my heart, but also something that is recognized under the law:  I AM THE MOTHER OF THREE LITTLE GIRLS.

That is an AMAZING thing to be able to type and almost too surreal to believe. 

I received the call today when I was in the law school class I assist with each week.  I grabbed my phone, dashed from the room and answered it as I was walking out the heavy door.  Just as our caseworker said, "You passed!", the door was loudly closing right behind me and I didn't hear what she said.  I think she though I was being cheeky when I said, "What?"  But, I wasn't.  Just hard of hearing.

She repeated herself and then I believe I took a full breath and exhaled for the first time in a year and a half.  I didn't realize that I had not been doing that and it felt amazing.  Occasionally, during and after a good run, I have that level of relaxation, but it only lasts for a few minutes.  Today, it continues.

Now comes the planning and the crazy other details...which is awesome!!

And, the best part?

Because my husband's deployment is wrapping up earlier than we thought going into this, he will be home in time to travel with me to pick up our daughter.

Thank God this is moving forward again and that we will have our girl soon!

Monster in the Closet

We have a story we tell students taking our bar passage course.  That the bar exam is like a monster in the closet.  To be able to overcome the monster, you have to desensitize yourself to it and not let it overwhelm you.  So, you open the door, look at the monster, and close the door.  You increase the frequency and duration of the looking so that by the time the actual exam comes, your preparation has been far more scary and involved than the actual exam itself.  Then, the exam seems like a piece of cake and you pass.

Adoption is a little more complicated.  Adoption seems to be fraught with multi-layered environments with monsters on almost every level.  You have wonderful news in the form of your court date and it comes wrapped in a big, beautiful gift box.  Crack the lid, though, and there has not been one thing in that box worth keeping so far.

And, if you quickly grab the first monster you see in the box (you didn't pass...AGAIN), you'll find there is something even more complicated and icky underneath that monster.

Such is the case with us now.

Not only did our case not pass this time and will not be heard again until February 8th, but there is a paperwork issue with the orphanage that must be cleared up before our case will move forward.  Not just move forward on the 8th, but move forward period.

The early word is that this re-registration process the orphanage is engaged in will be completed "this week."  However, this assessment is given by the same guy who didn't go to our court date this week either.  His actions have not been all that trustworthy and his judgment seems a little cooky so I'm having more than a little hard time believing that "this week" actually means by close of business on Friday as it would to you and me.

And, therein lies the biggest monster of all.

You know going in to adoption that there is always a possibility that things will not pan out--not only might you not have an ending like you thought, but you may not even end up with the child you thought you were adopting.

We are one piece of paper away from having our girl declared legally ours.

And yet, here we sit.  Waiting.  No expiration date on that wait exists.  No way of independently figuring out what needs done, what has actually been done and what is still waiting to be done before the registration process is complete.

I have been spending entirely too much time with the monster.  I've been opening the door, walking in, sitting down, pouring it some coffee, hollering at it, crying over it, screaming at it, cursing its name and yet...it doesn't move.

Yesterday, I decided I'd spent enough time with that monster and I needed to shut the door.  My kids miss me.  They need their normal mom back.  Without my husband here, I can't be running off the rails every five seconds because someone on the other side of the planet suddenly realized that even though DOZENS of adoptions have been processed with things EXACTLY the way they are now, we're going to start running around and fixing something when my daughter is next in line.

So, Monster, for now, I have to bid you a fond adieu.  It doesn't mean that I don't love M3, that I'm not praying constantly for her and our adoption process, but I'm not going to allow the Monster to take up so much of my time.

I can't.

For now, I'm going to walk away from the closet and leave the door closed for a bit.  Regroup.  Pray for the 8th to be our day, but not to count on it anymore than I've counted on the past four dates.  It's waaaaay too early to try and figure out what the lesson is in all this, so I'm not. 

I'm just declaring my brain a Monster Free Zone for the foreseeable future.

Rescheduled. Again.

The news, again, is not joyous or good or even remotely interesting.

Our case has been rescheduled once again.  This time the date is February 8th.  That's 20 days from now.

Apparently, even though all our papers are allegedly in order and in the case file, not all the players showed up today.  Specifically, the Ethiopian man who oversees my daughter's orphanage couldn't be bothered to make his appearance in court today.  It's interesting to me that there appears to be no way to compel someone to appear in court or sanctions for failing to appear.  Maybe someone should look in to that.

I don't think my mood could be more foul.  Usually by this point, I am a crying, sobbing, snotty mess.  Today?  Not so much.  Today, I am a steely eyed, very angry individual.  It's probably best that today is a 'stay home' day because I fear I may not be the most polite in conversation for the foreseeable future.

Court Date #4

For those of you keeping score at home, we are closing in on our case's 4th court date.  Tomorrow, the girls and I will be home to receive the call of whether or not M3 is officially joining our family. 

I'm glad tomorrow is a holiday because it's throwing off my body's usual Sunday schedule.  I'm not sure what day it is and, because we've never had a Monday court date, I almost do keep forgetting that tomorrow is THE day...again.

I don't have time to completely fall apart and go to bed with a headache and body ache again like I did last time--too much grading and other things.  I can't start off the week having my body make me sick again.

So, we're going to try and hold it together and pretend like it doesn't devastate us to our very core if we don't pass again tomorrow.